Tag Archives: crafts

September 10, 2012 · 7:07 pm

Life imitating…well not art, but it is imitating something on this blog

I started this blog as a response to the good intentions of people that run blogs and post about their perfect perfect lives. It’s kind of insane that monetary exchange has been made based off of faceless people being voyeurs.

There has never been a moment of my life where I thought, “I would love to see how fucking awesome this stranger’s life is. ” I’ve never wanted to marvel over this internet mirage’s abilities to find so much time in the day to knit a cat litter cozy, applique some glitter to ugly thrift store clothing, and photograph seven million pictures of them kissing their mate. Because of two things:  1. I am insecure and 2. I don’t like feeling happy for other people. I would much prefer to make fun of other people. Hence this right here.

However, while I do love pointing out the various absurdities of my life, I am beginning to think that there might be some karmic retribution for taking such joy at hating those lifestyle blogs so much:

Come ON!

I know that some of my actions are condemnable…but does my apartment have to be as well?

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August 8, 2012 · 2:28 pm

Crafts to not teach your children (double trouble, part II)

This is a perfect craft for people who want to bring the charm and hilarity to, say, a breaking and entering. No one will shoot the felon in a watermelon mask! Admittedly this is also a guest post, as the watermelon mask was supplied (filled with tequila) by Cassie P, and crafted by the extremely talented John L. I am the one modeling it.

I’ve come to steal all of your cupcakes! And pet your dog!

How to do it? Easy sauce:

Step 1: Fill watermelon with tequila – as done by Cassie

Step 2: Drink the tequila

Step 3: Eat the watermelon

Step 4: Get John L to cut it up into a mask

Step 5: Put that shit on your face. Watch out for the knife and also your friend not caring that they are putting a piece of fruit with a knife in it onto you face.

Happy crafting!

I am wearing this every single time I go out.

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December 29, 2011 · 8:28 pm

How to make an ashtray

Here is a really quick craft project that will only take a few moments to create. I call it “how to make an ashtray.”

Step 1: Go to the store. I like to go to a deli that is close to my apartment, the proximity is key seeing as how I don’t own a car, don’t have a license, and don’t know how to drive.

Step 2: Purchase a forty. I like Colt 45, but Mickey’s is especially dear to me. Also, Hurricane is good.

Step 3: Go home and drink the forty.

Step 4: Get cigarettes. I am smoking Pall Mall Lights because I used to smoke Parliament Lights and Pall Mall Lights are like Parliaments for poor people.

Step 5: Light cigarette. I used a barbecue lighter because I don’t know where my actual lighters or matches went. You can also use the stove or toaster.

Step 6: Flick ash into empty forty.

Congratulations! You just made your very own ashtray!

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December 27, 2011 · 7:39 pm

How to create an artistic kitchen table

I thought I would start “You Life” off with an instructional craft project. This is one of my favorite projects; it is called “painting the kitchen table.”

Step 1: You will need several people to help with this project. Crafting doesn’t have to be a solitary activity, and this project’s success is especially contingent on the participation of a crafting community.

Step 2: Drink. A lot of drinking will be required. The entire crafting party will need to consume, on average, quantities of cheap alcohol that is comparable to the weight of an African elephant. The variety of booze is left to the discretion of the crafters. My crafting party preferred the thirty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, as it only costs $16, but Canadian Hunter whiskey and Banker’s Club are also viable options.

Step 3: Move to the table. It doesn’t have to be a table; it can be a desk or a cabinet. It could even be a couch. The kitchen table just seemed like the perfect canvas.

Step 4: Pick a theme. An overarching theme for the table will create a more visually cohesive end product. Our theme was zombies versus unicorns with an omnipresent specter of Orlando Bloom presiding. Halfway through the project, we switched up the battle scene to include doodles from a sixth grade notebook.

Step 5: Proceed with painting. Each crafter picked the side they wanted to paint and executed it to the best of their abilities. It is best to use acrylic paint and paintbrushes, but water colors and hands work equally well depending on what you are trying to portray.

Step 6: Use fixative to protect the work once it is dried, though I don’t believe we did…

Voila! You have a lovely table that is both functional and a great conversation piece.

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