What’re you dreaming about?
Category Archives: crafts
I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see them dancin’
A few years ago I was on the phone with my mom and was telling her about my weekend plans and she responded with this direct (and haunting) quote:
You’ve got your cats and your knitting…sounds like you’re really clickin’ your heels over there in Philadelphia.
So…I tried to brush that off, but upon some re-inspection I might have to reevaluate all of my life choices, and drink a bottle [box] of wine, and cry while shout-singing “Part of Your World” to my feline companions.
Friday night. Just got paid. My cat found my knitting
…like, it’s not a GREAT feeling when even your cat kind of disrespects you
I’m ready to know what the people know!!!!!!
I need a hobby
Outside of this:
Funemployment has taken a dark turn to focus on Dre, cats, and Microsoft paint
A You Life anniversary…retrospect
It’s high time for an anniversary edition of You Life, but since this just occurred to me and I missed the date by four months I guess this is just a retrospect.
You Life started with an instructional guide on how to devastate some PBRs and then paint a kitchen table. Memories
And to celebrate that momentous occasion in the old apartment I’ve unearthed some gems
That is an omnipresent specter presiding over the battle of zombies vs unicorns
The glory that was the kitchen – with the masterpiece center stage
A better view of the unicorn side, before the 6th grade notebook tagging joined the battle
Clear view of the zombie side. That zombie has a bloody unicorn tail in his palm
But I feel strongly that the unicorns prevailed
Happy anniversary, You Life!
Life imitating…well not art, but it is imitating something on this blog
I started this blog as a response to the good intentions of people that run blogs and post about their perfect perfect lives. It’s kind of insane that monetary exchange has been made based off of faceless people being voyeurs.
There has never been a moment of my life where I thought, “I would love to see how fucking awesome this stranger’s life is. ” I’ve never wanted to marvel over this internet mirage’s abilities to find so much time in the day to knit a cat litter cozy, applique some glitter to ugly thrift store clothing, and photograph seven million pictures of them kissing their mate. Because of two things: 1. I am insecure and 2. I don’t like feeling happy for other people. I would much prefer to make fun of other people. Hence this right here.
However, while I do love pointing out the various absurdities of my life, I am beginning to think that there might be some karmic retribution for taking such joy at hating those lifestyle blogs so much:
Come ON!
I know that some of my actions are condemnable…but does my apartment have to be as well?
Filed under crafts, cranky, horrifying, Philadelphia
Crafts to not teach your children (double trouble, part II)
This is a perfect craft for people who want to bring the charm and hilarity to, say, a breaking and entering. No one will shoot the felon in a watermelon mask! Admittedly this is also a guest post, as the watermelon mask was supplied (filled with tequila) by Cassie P, and crafted by the extremely talented John L. I am the one modeling it.
I’ve come to steal all of your cupcakes! And pet your dog!
How to do it? Easy sauce:
Step 1: Fill watermelon with tequila – as done by Cassie
Step 2: Drink the tequila
Step 3: Eat the watermelon
Step 4: Get John L to cut it up into a mask
Step 5: Put that shit on your face. Watch out for the knife and also your friend not caring that they are putting a piece of fruit with a knife in it onto you face.
Happy crafting!
I am wearing this every single time I go out.
Urban gardening
Sometimes You Life needs a guest who is doing the productive stuff. That is the case this week. I have done nothing in the creation of this; it is all the efforts of another.
My boyfriend has a backyard that is generally populated by junkyard cats (all of which we have named: Buster, Auntie, and the babies). It is also the home for a great deal of garbage that neighbors dump there instead of walking to the front of the complex. In an effort to create a hospitable environment for himself, and with the hopes that there might be summer barbecues in the backyard, boyfriend decided to turn his trash heap of a backyard into a garden.
This proved a problem due to the unusually large amount of cinderblocks dumped onto the land. But, always the optimist, boyfriend tilled the soil, got rid of the garbage, and used an old (soaking wet) mattress to turn the cinderblocks into the foundation for an urban garden.
We had the tools of the trade (mattress, beer, spray paint, and American pride) and urban gardening prevailed. You life is not so urban garden as ours.
Captains of industriousness!
Filed under beer, crafts, Dumpster diving, gardening, Uncategorized
Donnie Wahlberg jeans
There are many incredible things that I was tardy to the party for: The Wire, the awesomeness of video games, orgasms. Despite the depression that comes with finding amazing things late in the game, I would be a less of a person had I never discovered them. This brings me to the most important discovery of my adult life.
During the entirety of my youth I was completely unaware of a certain phenomenon sweeping the land. It was called “the boy band.” I, too, had a boy band phase as a child. For this band:
Peter Tork, you’re so fine!
I was under the impression that the Monkees were a contemporary band (during the 90s) and therefore lauded my admiration for them, endlessly watching taped re-runs of the show on our Beta Max. If you were still wondering, yes I did live a very sheltered life.
However, most well adjusted tweens during this time were sacrificing to the alter of a much more popular god:
Those hats, that hair!
I was completely unaware of this group, or any of their songs, until my boyfriend introduced me to this song at the age of twenty-six:
(spoiler alert: Donnie Walhberg eats a baseball at the end of the video!).
This started my obsession, sixteen years late, with New Kids on the Block. I am so bummed that I missed out on the cultural phenomenon that was NKOTB. They are like a bizarre sociology experiment (I love you, Jordan!) that at one point covered the Delfonics.
they also fuck the air in front of a room full of children
My greatest obsession is with how they dress, and like any teenage devotee I decided to try and emulate their style.
or drink late in the night, wearing over-sized overalls and trying to do the dance moves from Step by Step
Bolstered by those late night dancing sessions I decided to Donnie Wahlberg my jeans
Damn.
Step 1 (we can have lots of fun) Take your jeans and attempt acid washing (tub, chlorine, and rubbing). Mine only dyed to a lighter blue
Step 2 (There’s so much we can do!) attempt fraying process. I started off with scissors.
Step 3 (It’s just you and me!): Scissors didn’t work. I then used a cheese grater.
Step 4 (I can give you more!): Cheese grater was not working. I used an exacto knife, which gave me the best results, also time consuming.
Step 5 (don’t you know that the time has arrived!). I gave up and then just cut holes into the jeans and pulled on the strings.
You too can look like a New Kid. Hang tough, ya’ll.
PS: all pictures (with the exception of the ones of me) are the property of the owner. No theft intended. Peace!
How to make an ashtray
Here is a really quick craft project that will only take a few moments to create. I call it “how to make an ashtray.”
Step 1: Go to the store. I like to go to a deli that is close to my apartment, the proximity is key seeing as how I don’t own a car, don’t have a license, and don’t know how to drive.
Step 2: Purchase a forty. I like Colt 45, but Mickey’s is especially dear to me. Also, Hurricane is good.
Step 3: Go home and drink the forty.
Step 4: Get cigarettes. I am smoking Pall Mall Lights because I used to smoke Parliament Lights and Pall Mall Lights are like Parliaments for poor people.
Step 5: Light cigarette. I used a barbecue lighter because I don’t know where my actual lighters or matches went. You can also use the stove or toaster.
Step 6: Flick ash into empty forty.
Congratulations! You just made your very own ashtray!
How to create an artistic kitchen table
I thought I would start “You Life” off with an instructional craft project. This is one of my favorite projects; it is called “painting the kitchen table.”
Step 1: You will need several people to help with this project. Crafting doesn’t have to be a solitary activity, and this project’s success is especially contingent on the participation of a crafting community.
Step 2: Drink. A lot of drinking will be required. The entire crafting party will need to consume, on average, quantities of cheap alcohol that is comparable to the weight of an African elephant. The variety of booze is left to the discretion of the crafters. My crafting party preferred the thirty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, as it only costs $16, but Canadian Hunter whiskey and Banker’s Club are also viable options.
Step 3: Move to the table. It doesn’t have to be a table; it can be a desk or a cabinet. It could even be a couch. The kitchen table just seemed like the perfect canvas.
Step 4: Pick a theme. An overarching theme for the table will create a more visually cohesive end product. Our theme was zombies versus unicorns with an omnipresent specter of Orlando Bloom presiding. Halfway through the project, we switched up the battle scene to include doodles from a sixth grade notebook.
Step 5: Proceed with painting. Each crafter picked the side they wanted to paint and executed it to the best of their abilities. It is best to use acrylic paint and paintbrushes, but water colors and hands work equally well depending on what you are trying to portray.
Step 6: Use fixative to protect the work once it is dried, though I don’t believe we did…
Voila! You have a lovely table that is both functional and a great conversation piece.
You life is not so great 