Category Archives: cranky
This is the dawning of the age of the bitchy office notes
At first I was willing to deal with the office monster in extremely good humor. See ? I even came to the defense of the fridge monster because 1. That note was written by the hand of someone who gives too much of a fuck 2. Because fridge monster at that point had eaten two containers of hummus I left in there and I wasn’t really that bothered because 3. I used to be the fridge monster at my last job
But since I wrote my hilarious response to office bastardry, and I thought I had sorted out some solidarity with hungry co-worker and fellow thief; fridge monster seems to have taken sole and exclusive comfort in my lunch bag. With extreme consumption prejudice – they ate my leftovers. I’ve retaliated.
I don’t even know myself anymore. The hunted has become the hunter.
The rise of office bitchery
While I would generally never update twice in the same week, something so magical has happened that it warranted the effort to type.
Like a phoenix rising from bitchy ashes, more passive aggressive notes have flown into the break room.
let me fill the break room with my suck!
It’s honestly better than I could ever wish for:
RAR RAR RAR WRATH WRATH WRATH. “I’m going to write this instead of a nice note that says ‘please don’t eat my food, I’m broke and doing so is silly'” RAR RAR RAR
I feel this person’s pain. So I wrote a note in solidarity (or in sarcasm). I think it speaks for itself:
Only when it feeds upon the blood of the innocent will the refrigerator monster leave us alone!
Together. In perfect unity.
The bloom is off the rose
I had a glow-y feeling about employment for a very brief juncture. However, I think it can now be summed up by this crudely executed illustration:
a human graph
This is my co-workers and myself. At the very end is a loaf of bread meant to graphically depict our slow march to the bread line.
(I’ll let you guess which one might be me).
(It’s the one screaming with their arms crossed)
The hows and whys that involve me buying frozen vegetables
It’s a very special day in a young woman’s life when she gets to explain to people that the black eye that she is sporting is because an overweight cat jumped on her face while she was sleeping.
This will make the boys come a-runnin’
I would love to claim that this was the first time that I was bruised because of my cat. But, of course, that wouldn’t be true.
And I would be lying if I didn’t say I was mildly concerned about what Liono’s actual motives are these days.
I’m coming for you
Holiday Hell Tour: A Molesty Santa
There are certain things that are sacred and unjoking in my [you] life and those are the traditions I have with my closest mates. For the last ten years we have celebrated two things: our own (un PC named) version of Thanksgiving ( see: youfood for the full update), and the other thing is our annual photo with Santa.
Look at those fly people
During the holidays tradition is important.
And one part of this holiday tradition is how much bad touching Santa seems to get away with when I sit on his lap.
In the past it was always just a joke pertaining to the fact that due to my size I would have to be the one perched on Santa’s lap. It was a perfect set up for a joke.
However this year Santa amped up his perv game. When I went to sit on his lap it seemed like awkward quarters, what with so many people flanking us. I ended up plopping onto Mrs. Klaus’s lap. So I popped up off her diminutive frame, but Santa full on grabbed my hips to “re-adjust me” on top his lap. And on the way down onto the holiday lap, Santa got a handful of my ass.
He has his hand on my freaking hip in this shot. Damn you, Santa!
So, Santa is kind of a douche bag.
Happy holidays from You Life (and Bear Ambulance) to you
Filed under cranky, friends, Holidays, horrifying
The end times
Well my juncture at my hideous job is coming to a very slow (crawling) end. In response to this I have decided to be as unhelpful as humanly possible.
My work gets back checked (endlessly) for editing mistakes. The back checker will leave helpful little notes on what I did wrong.
I have responded to such a note. With great prejudice.
just in case I was confused about what I did wrong.
What flu shot?
I look more like a consumptive child than usual today.
It’s always bad when my bangs are pulled back
Here is a brief email exchange as to why my eyes are larger than normal and I’m dressed like Small Wonder (nah, I just like dressing like Small Wonder).
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Janie
> Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 12:34 PM
To: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?
Fever – check, swollen tonsils – check, achy – check,
freezing – checkToday I was supposed to get the flu shot – I love the irony. I feel like I am going to cry/die
And hurled the gifting of some French fries by a coworker in the middle of writing this.
Whine
Yes – read correctly, I got the flu on the day I was supposed to get the flu shot.
— On Thu, 11/15/12, Zachary wrote
From: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Janie”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:18 PM
I hope you feel better. I’m pretty sure Tundy is a doctor, so confer with him forthwith
To whom is he referencing?
Only paging Dr. Liono – that’s all
From: Janie
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Zachary”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:25 PM
Poor shirt storm! I have listened to Joanna Newsom on loop and loop and felt so sorry for myself and melancholy and sick that I went into the bathroom and wept for my own self pity. As it turns out I am the worst sick person in the world, certainly the most over dramatic.
Peach, Plum, Pear is also quite sad.
And truthfully, the National didn’t help either.
But then again I also cried listening to Mighty Ducks III, which I have spelled Mighty Fucks so many times today I lost count.
But on further inspection….
My Adam Banks…how you’ve grown….
Bullying Bathroom
Seriously, why is my toilet yelling at me?
The only thing I hate more than peeing at work is when my potty shouts at me – I’m pee shy as it is.
Oh, and overuse of the exclamation points. That drives me nuts!(!!!!!!!!!!)
You life is not so great 