Tag Archives: insubordination

The bloom is off the rose

I had a glow-y feeling about employment for a very brief juncture. However, I think it can now be summed up by this crudely executed illustration:

a human graph

a human graph

This is my co-workers and myself. At the very end is a loaf of bread meant to graphically depict our slow march to the bread line.

(I’ll let you guess which one might be me).

(It’s the one screaming with their arms crossed)

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Filed under cranky, doodles, work

Do I have any suggestions for my job?

Do I have any suggestions for the company I work for?

Do I have any suggestions for the company I work for?

As it turned out I did have a suggestion for them:
job suggestions 2

Second suggestion, go fuck yourself.

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Filed under emails, work

The Great Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef Mystery of 2013

For the last month I’ve been canvassing my work’s freezer in order to steal any frozen meals that might be in there to sustain me during the summer of my unemployment.

As far as I was concerned it was a brilliant plan.

freezer 1
Freezer #1 – normal looking, filled with steal-ables
freezer 2
Freezer #2 – second verse, same as the first (only better, this one has yogurt).

 

Look at all of that delicious (sort of delicious…free makes everything delicious, so whatever. It’s edible) food.

And then a mysterious wrench was thrown in my plan

Just...why?

Just…why?

Right there? That’s six frozen Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef ready meals. Six. Six of them. The day before there was NO food in that freezer. The next day? Six. And of something that traditionally isn’t even a food eaten outside of breakfast. Also, it’s gross looking. 

And they’ve remained in there for over a week. They all arrived in one day and not a single one has been consumed.

So now I can’t be sure that my two office nemeses haven’t heard my plan to steal all of the food (I wasn’t exactly speaking in hushed whispers about my malfeasants) and brought in all of this chipped beef in which to poison me.

I’m still going to steal it though.

 

UPDATE Three of the creamed chipped beefs are now gone! (May 20, 2013 10:23 EST)

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Filed under food, work

Anything that’s not nailed to the ground

From my very limited understanding of history, the last days of Rome were a rough place to be: hedonism, theft, moral malaise. And while I gathered these opinions about the civilization’s decline following a less than five minute Google search, I can confidently say that my declining juncture at my job is probably similar.

Or maybe not. But I am stealing everything that isn’t nailed to the ground. The most eccentric theft to date pertains to my aggressive love of hot sauce.

Some nice person left out a communal hot sauce for the lunch room, and while I appreciate the spirit of generosity I more greatly appreciate free condiments. However, I couldn’t just take the bottle of hot sauce in broad (albeit florescent) daylight. So, I did what every crazy person would do.

I dumped half the bottle of hot sauce into the remains of a Herr's pretzel  bag

I dumped half the bottle of hot sauce into the remains of a Herr’s pretzel bag

And my lunch then consisted of:

it consisted of pretzels, a bag of stolen hot sauce, and - what the hell - I stole a packet of cream cheese for the fun of it

it consisted of pretzels, a bag of stolen hot sauce in an old pretzel bag, and – what the hell – I stole a packet of cream cheese for the fun of it

Next up: trying to thieve the vending machine.

 

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Filed under broke, cooking, food, work

Probably best to avoid me till the caffeine is flowing through my veins

I find this utterly unacceptable.  Look at the amount of coffee left in here:

delicious - luke warm coffee grounds

delicious – lukewarm coffee grounds 

To which I might respond with something along the lines of this:

I'm looking for you, co-worker who does this

I’m looking for you, co-worker who does this ^

Spoiler alert, I didn’t wash the coffee pot first.

 

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I am concerned that once I get laid off I won’t have anything to update about

Dear work NEVER EVER STOP.

I went into my break room the other day to pour some really terrible coffee and found, what I thought to be, a box full of candy. Occasionally a co-worker will take pity on us and leave treats for the rest of us to descend upon like the locusts in the Old Testament.

so excited for what looks like fancy chocolates

so excited for what looks like fancy candies

But it couldn’t have been further from the treats in my imagination. Because what was on the table in the break room was almost the exact opposite of posh sweets.

Yeah, it's adult diapers

It was adult diapers

I now believe that some sort of social experiment is going on to raise the morale of the workers here and then crush that hope under the heel of adult incontinence

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Filed under hilarious, work

Down Town Abbey (see what I did there?)

While at work I love to illegally stream television.

Downton Abbey is my favorite for a very specific reason (other than the giant hats) :

hilarious juxtapositions

Two things I love: William stumbling over speech and Asian women looking for love

Two things I love: William stumbling over speech and Asian women looking for love

But there was no such grandness that existed before this:

Dame Maggie Smith, how many sperms are swimming?

Dame Maggie Smith, how many sperms are swimming?

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Filed under celebrities, hilarious, tv, work