I had a glow-y feeling about employment for a very brief juncture. However, I think it can now be summed up by this crudely executed illustration:
a human graph
This is my co-workers and myself. At the very end is a loaf of bread meant to graphically depict our slow march to the bread line.
(I’ll let you guess which one might be me).
(It’s the one screaming with their arms crossed)
Do I have any suggestions for the company I work for?
As it turned out I did have a suggestion for them:
Second suggestion, go fuck yourself.
For the last month I’ve been canvassing my work’s freezer in order to steal any frozen meals that might be in there to sustain me during the summer of my unemployment.
As far as I was concerned it was a brilliant plan.
Freezer #1 – normal looking, filled with steal-ables
Freezer #2 – second verse, same as the first (only better, this one has yogurt).
Look at all of that delicious (sort of delicious…free makes everything delicious, so whatever. It’s edible) food.
And then a mysterious wrench was thrown in my plan
Just…why?
Right there? That’s six frozen Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef ready meals. Six. Six of them. The day before there was NO food in that freezer. The next day? Six. And of something that traditionally isn’t even a food eaten outside of breakfast. Also, it’s gross looking.
And they’ve remained in there for over a week. They all arrived in one day and not a single one has been consumed.
So now I can’t be sure that my two office nemeses haven’t heard my plan to steal all of the food (I wasn’t exactly speaking in hushed whispers about my malfeasants) and brought in all of this chipped beef in which to poison me.
I’m still going to steal it though.
UPDATE Three of the creamed chipped beefs are now gone! (May 20, 2013 10:23 EST)
From my very limited understanding of history, the last days of Rome were a rough place to be: hedonism, theft, moral malaise. And while I gathered these opinions about the civilization’s decline following a less than five minute Google search, I can confidently say that my declining juncture at my job is probably similar.
Or maybe not. But I am stealing everything that isn’t nailed to the ground. The most eccentric theft to date pertains to my aggressive love of hot sauce.
Some nice person left out a communal hot sauce for the lunch room, and while I appreciate the spirit of generosity I more greatly appreciate free condiments. However, I couldn’t just take the bottle of hot sauce in broad (albeit florescent) daylight. So, I did what every crazy person would do.
I dumped half the bottle of hot sauce into the remains of a Herr’s pretzel bag
And my lunch then consisted of:
it consisted of pretzels, a bag of stolen hot sauce in an old pretzel bag, and – what the hell – I stole a packet of cream cheese for the fun of it
Next up: trying to thieve the vending machine.
I find this utterly unacceptable. Look at the amount of coffee left in here:
delicious – lukewarm coffee grounds
To which I might respond with something along the lines of this:
I’m looking for you, co-worker who does this ^
Spoiler alert, I didn’t wash the coffee pot first.
Filed under work
Dear work NEVER EVER STOP.
I went into my break room the other day to pour some really terrible coffee and found, what I thought to be, a box full of candy. Occasionally a co-worker will take pity on us and leave treats for the rest of us to descend upon like the locusts in the Old Testament.
so excited for what looks like fancy candies
But it couldn’t have been further from the treats in my imagination. Because what was on the table in the break room was almost the exact opposite of posh sweets.
It was adult diapers
I now believe that some sort of social experiment is going on to raise the morale of the workers here and then crush that hope under the heel of adult incontinence
While at work I love to illegally stream television.
Downton Abbey is my favorite for a very specific reason (other than the giant hats) :
hilarious juxtapositions
Two things I love: William stumbling over speech and Asian women looking for love
But there was no such grandness that existed before this:
Dame Maggie Smith, how many sperms are swimming?
Filed under celebrities, hilarious, tv, work
I just…there are no words. I contacted my HR representative asking about options to pay for school through some mythical program where little angels swoop down and save me from incurring (even more) massive debt.
She was so helpful.
Ahhh, Google, of course.
As it turns out I am thinking of applying to work in HR for my former company, evidently all you need to be qualified is access to Google and your head lodged in your sphincter.
Unbelievaballs
No, seriously. The company I work for is (inadvertent) comedic genius. It’s like the Andy Kaufman of failing businesses that are desperately trying not to close despite the fact that they’re trading as a penny stock now.
In an effort to test the waters of employee satisfaction, the company sent out a survey to ALL employees – including those in the Philadelphia office that just got entirely laid off.
Here are some of the winning gems plus, perhaps, some of the additional comments that a certain employee (IT’S ME) added to let them know my current level of satisfaction
these questions sound like my job is breaking up with me and we’re at the desperate ending “state of the union” sorta divorce stage. We’re also period’ing together
And the ultimate:
Well…you laid everyone off, so talk to me more about these advancement opportunities.
Filed under work
love me
Because I stole a co-worker’s hot sauce and made it into a baby.
You life is not so great 