July 1, 2013 · 4:07 pm
It shouldn’t be surprising, but it seems that with unemployment I have become considerably lazier than recent memory recalls. With getting laid off I’ve noticed that it has opened up a world of possibilities, such as more time to shower but also less impetus to get out of bed.
Also, re-making Dre’s 2001: The Chronic to make it cat friendly for my kits:
hey-eh-eh-ay catnip everyday
But I’ve been neglecting more than just my personal hygiene and commitment to sanity. I’ve neglected skillet
It seems as though when I was making skillet work double duty as a pasta-maker, I didn’t consider that the noxious combination of pasta water and the bottom of the balsa wood VHS organizer would create something considerably unholy.
this is the tool I use to steam pasta in a cast iron skillet
This is what the bottom looked like after I steamed the pasta:
that ring was not an original feature of the organizer
And this what happened after letting the fumes, and poison, and remnants of pasta that I couldn’t fish out percolate for about a week (read: a month):
Sweet mother of God
It gets worse:
It’s my very own version of the Origin of Species. But, ya know, in my kitchen
When the mold started I did what any person would do.
I put the VHS organizer back on top of the skillet so as not to deal with it.
Until today. Now the little community of, what can only be evil and villainous, mold can live free in the skillet for all of eternity.
In my trash.
But I played Taps while heaving it into the dumpster.
Filed under apartment, cats, cooking, food, horrifying, music, pets, science! technology!
Tagged as cast iron skillet, cooking, darwinism, food, mold, noxious combination, origin of species, pasta maker, pasta water, poison
May 20, 2013 · 12:52 pm
For the last month I’ve been canvassing my work’s freezer in order to steal any frozen meals that might be in there to sustain me during the summer of my unemployment.
As far as I was concerned it was a brilliant plan.
Freezer #1 – normal looking, filled with steal-ables
Freezer #2 – second verse, same as the first (only better, this one has yogurt).
Look at all of that delicious (sort of delicious…free makes everything delicious, so whatever. It’s edible) food.
And then a mysterious wrench was thrown in my plan
Right there? That’s six frozen Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef ready meals. Six. Six of them. The day before there was NO food in that freezer. The next day? Six. And of something that traditionally isn’t even a food eaten outside of breakfast. Also, it’s gross looking.
And they’ve remained in there for over a week. They all arrived in one day and not a single one has been consumed.
So now I can’t be sure that my two office nemeses haven’t heard my plan to steal all of the food (I wasn’t exactly speaking in hushed whispers about my malfeasants) and brought in all of this chipped beef in which to poison me.
I’m still going to steal it though.
UPDATE Three of the creamed chipped beefs are now gone! (May 20, 2013 10:23 EST)
May 7, 2013 · 3:22 pm
Have you ever opened a tin of leftovers only to find the tables’ worth of cutlery inside because the previous week during a “cleaning spree” you had thrown away all of your previously owned knives and forks (let’s be fair I only owned one of both, but still it was trying to eat pasta without them)?
Tofu burrito, fries, and cutlery. Huzzah!
Thank you, Mad Mex, I don’t have to eat pasta with my hands this week.
Filed under cooking, food
Tagged as burritos, cutlery, food, just pettiness in general, knives and forks, leftovers, mad mex, petty crime, petty theft, restaurants, tofu
April 22, 2013 · 4:32 pm
From my very limited understanding of history, the last days of Rome were a rough place to be: hedonism, theft, moral malaise. And while I gathered these opinions about the civilization’s decline following a less than five minute Google search, I can confidently say that my declining juncture at my job is probably similar.
Or maybe not. But I am stealing everything that isn’t nailed to the ground. The most eccentric theft to date pertains to my aggressive love of hot sauce.
Some nice person left out a communal hot sauce for the lunch room, and while I appreciate the spirit of generosity I more greatly appreciate free condiments. However, I couldn’t just take the bottle of hot sauce in broad (albeit florescent) daylight. So, I did what every crazy person would do.
I dumped half the bottle of hot sauce into the remains of a Herr’s pretzel bag
And my lunch then consisted of:
it consisted of pretzels, a bag of stolen hot sauce in an old pretzel bag, and – what the hell – I stole a packet of cream cheese for the fun of it
Next up: trying to thieve the vending machine.
Filed under broke, cooking, food, work
Tagged as decline of the roman empire, food, herr's, hot sauce, insubordination, last days of rome, lunch room, moral malaise, philadelphia cream cheese, pretzels, vending machine, work
March 4, 2013 · 6:26 pm
I only own one kitchen appliance. It’s a skillet. It’s made of iron. It’s so large that it could cook me.
leg of lady is on the menu when I’m cookin’, Jack.
The only reason I haven’t thrown it away is because I am sure it could double as a weapon.
But on a rare occasion when my supper isn’t cold pizza with several Yuenglings and a couple ounces of hot sauce, I’ve been known to try and cook rice in that sucker.
But I was steaming the rice with an old VHS organizer
The end of the rice story is that the faux-wood ended up peeling off into the rice and the chemicals mixed with the grains to create a cloud in my kitchen that might have been a noxious and poisonous gas.
But at the end of the day I can still use that skillet to ward off intruders.
Filed under Booze, cooking, food, horrifying, science! technology!
Tagged as cold pizza, cooking, cooking people, couple ounces, dinner, faux wood, food, hot sauce, iron skillet, poisonous gas, rare occasion, rice, skillet, steaming, yuenglings
February 13, 2013 · 1:17 pm
My friends and I had been hearing only the best things about this Korean restaurant in Northeast Philadelphia. It seemed like we couldn’t walk ten paces without someone enthusiastically telling us to go to this place and get the fried chicken wings. GET THE CHICKEN WINGS.
So we went and amidst great confusion got the wings. It might not seem a great trial to order fried chicken wings (for a normal person’s life). But this might clarify why we ordered with shaky voices, “the chicken wings?” (waitstaff love nothing more than when you phrase your food order as a question):
That’s the menu. Is the hot lady a meal option? She’s both “sweet AND hot.”
The wings were mother fucking delicious. Because the wings might be people. And, dammit, people wings are fucking delightful.
Filed under food, movies, Philadelphia
Tagged as cafe soho, chicken wings, food, fried chicken wings, hot lady, Korean food, mother fucking, northeast philadelphia, people, people as food, restaurants, solient green
February 6, 2013 · 1:10 pm
The other night I decided to make nachos as a celebratory meal for finishing a Tuesday well done. And also because I feel less pathetic cooking dinner for one (plus cats) when it’s a featured item on the Chili’s menu.
Some people think “nachos” and this is what is brought to their imagination:
whoever made this is a miracle worker of culinary proportions
I make a less traditional nacho, comprised of only two ingredients:
This is more my speed
After throwing those into the broiler there are some that might diligently wait by the oven and wait for the cheese to melt and then proceed with feasting. But I am not some, and instead walked to my local 7-11 to get additional grocery-like supplies.
I returned to a miniature conflagration in my kitchen.
Since I paid attention in grade school I knew that I needed to get a fire extinguisher right quick. I ran to my hallway to grab it and that is where I found:
As it turns out, a fire extinguisher two years expired doesn’t work on a molten mass of flaming triscuits. So I did what any person would do. I grabbed six towels, opened the window, and threw the firey food into the softly falling snow.
And then I left a PSA where the expired fire extinguisher used to be for my landlord to see
Filed under Animals, apartment, cats, cooking, food
Tagged as apartments, aviation, cartoons, doodles, fire, fire extinguisher, fire safety, food, miracle worker, nachos, smokey the bear, snow, terrible apartments, triscuits
January 17, 2013 · 2:03 pm
Because I stole a co-worker’s hot sauce and made it into a baby.
November 28, 2012 · 3:35 pm
I like most things in my life to have a very high production value. But it came as a shock to me to see my chips taking life so seriously, especially considering their humble origin from the 79 cent chip rack at 7-11 (girl’s gotta eat)
I can finally throw my vibrator away, these chips are going to be satisfying me from now on.
November 15, 2012 · 2:33 pm
Look closely at this
What does this look like to you? Does it look like candy? An adorable pumpkin shaped candy? Let’s say you dig your hand into the basket of Halloween candy in the back of your office pull this out, think it’s some sort of candy corn, and proceed to eat it.
When you realize that it’s actually an eraser, and that you are eating an eraser at work, what would you do:
- Covertly spit it out while hiding the shame on your face
- Try to pull it off like it IS actually candy and just eat an eraser
I did one of the above. I will let you decide which.
Filed under food, work
Tagged as candy, candy corn, cooking, eraser, erasers, food, halloween, halloween candy, office candy, pumpkin, shame, ugh, work