Does someone have something to tell me?

This was a surprising email to receive:
you life child

It’s surprising for a few reasons :

  1. Do I have a secret child that is wandering the earth looking for my parental approval? Juliet, know that mama is proud of you and that I appreciate your email.
  2. That any child of mine would be good at math. Not only would they be good at math, but that they would be proactive enough to actively improve their math skills independently – like it’s something that they want.
  3. Are you sure you’re mine, Juliet?

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Filed under emails

One of these things is not like the other

My mom put out a fruit bowl (basket? It’s square-ish, so presumably it’s not a bowl. What is this? Who is an adult that uses shit like this? Who do I know that has decorative kitchen…appliances (?) things?).

And I can’t be sure if this is arranged the way it is because my mother is 1. hilarious 2. a space case that doesn’t pay attention to what she’s doing or 3. conducting a deeply disturbing social experiment on her dinner guests.

photo

one of these things is not like the other

She actually prompted people to grab some fruit or nuts before dinner if they were hungry.

Hey, seriously, what is the fruit and nuts receptacle called?

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Filed under cooking, food

Which mythical creature am I?

This is who I wanted to get, y’all. I feel so blessed
which mythical creature are you

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Filed under celebrities, tv

Is this a robot trying to kill me? Yes/no?

Here are a series of texts with humorous confessions, and a poll at the end.
img_5105
img_5106

 

Is this a robot person?
robot-kill

 

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Filed under cats, horrifying, robots, science! technology!

The best lens to be viewed through

Is this the most accurate description of me ever?
ultimate-trash-poet

(the answer is ‘yes’)

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Filed under friends, literature, Philadelphia

Things I found today in my purse:

chicken-drummer

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December 29, 2016 · 6:40 pm

Reflection on this year of our satan, 2016:

too-adult-today

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December 21, 2016 · 3:33 pm