Which mythical creature am I?

This is who I wanted to get, y’all. I feel so blessed
which mythical creature are you

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Filed under celebrities, tv

Is this a robot trying to kill me? Yes/no?

Here are a series of texts with humorous confessions, and a poll at the end.
img_5105
img_5106

 

Is this a robot person?
robot-kill

 

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Filed under cats, horrifying, robots, science! technology!

The best lens to be viewed through

Is this the most accurate description of me ever?
ultimate-trash-poet

(the answer is ‘yes’)

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Filed under friends, literature, Philadelphia

Things I found today in my purse:

chicken-drummer

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December 29, 2016 · 6:40 pm

Reflection on this year of our satan, 2016:

too-adult-today

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December 21, 2016 · 3:33 pm

It’s been a long time (long time), we shouldn’t of left you (left you), Without a dope beat to step to

I make an alarming number of Timbaland references.

Anyway. For my horrible job I have long interviews with crazy people and then write websites based off of their bizarre delusions. During the interview, I have to fill out long, long questionnaires with their rambling verbal deliriums.

Since the world is ending following a racist bottle of orange Crush being named our president-elect, it’s timely that one of the websites would include something about arming babies for a baby militia. I’m assuming that’s what’s going on here:

baby-militia Also, blenders.

Who wants to make “arm the babies” shirts for You Life?

 

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Filed under emails, work

Imagine what your life would look like

My job is insane, and it’s also filled with bureaucratic cost-cutters who like to ensure that their clients get as little quality out of their purchase as humanly possible. And that includes stock images that would make infant Jesus cry blood.

For example, when asked to re-edit a site I noticed that it included this image (for a website about air filtration systems):

 

what-are-these-people

That woman looks like she’s so repulsed by this man that she might puke on him.

What the fuck are these people? They don’t even look like real people. They look like something out of AI but maybe a low-budget first attempt at it where the sex robots cuddle with one another in order to briefly escape their metal-indentured-servitude while wearing shitty clothes on a floor in an adobe. What’s going on with that cabinet behind them? Is it blocking an exit? Is it filled with logs? This all looks like the cover of the Sweet Valley High where Elizabeth gets kidnapped from her job as a candy stripper at the hospital by that unstable guy who feeds her pancakes. Liz? Is that you up there?

Dude, the itchy blanket isn’t even covering his lap entirely. I see his jeans. And, like, he looks vaguely threatening, right? He looks like he’s pulling her closely to him in order to whisper to her his sweet-nothing fantasies about jerking off to Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto 

Okay, I can’t do better than a tug off to Apocalypto so enjoy the above.

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Filed under movies, romance, wine