[Poll] Which joke do I go with?

While on the field for my job (my highly important job that I love, not at this place that keeps rejecting me from a job I didn’t want), I was waiting for the bus (because I don’t know how to drive) and saw this:

IMG_5939

Nature is both surprising and awe-inspiring

And my bitter snarky mind immediately wanted to send joking text messages to the five people that will entertain my shenanigans.

BUT I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY TO GO WITH IT.

Please help:

 

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Filed under gardening, going green, literature, my prerogative, Philadelphia, public transportation, work

How often do you inform someone they didn’t get the job?

YOU LIFE
Is it a lot?

I applied for a job, by the request of a person that works at the office, about five months ago. I got a call back and did one of those annoyingly long phone interviews – the ones where you have to hide in the corners of your actual job and whisper talk during a lunch break that goes for over an hour.

And I didn’t get it (I know. I’m shocked, too). They sent me a quick email letting me know. Such is life, such is war.

After suffering the rejection, I went about my life as normal and didn’t dwell on this humiliating defeat at all.
you life glen

And I got a new job.
you life bunny

And life proceeded as normal.
you life glen 2

And then I got ANOTHER email letting me know I didn’t get the job. As though, a month later, they felt the need to remind me just in case I didn’t get the message the first time.
That’s a nice feeling.
you life glen 3

Two months pass.

AND I GET A THIRD FUCKING EMAIL LETTING ME KNOW I DIDN’T GET THE FUCKING JOB.

So, I decided to let them know that as much as I appreciate them incessantly informing me that they didn’t think I was the right candidate maybe they could stop sending me rejection emails.
you life employment

you life glen last
(strong truth, Glen)

 

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Filed under Uncategorized, work

Does someone have something to tell me?

This was a surprising email to receive:
you life child

It’s surprising for a few reasons :

  1. Do I have a secret child that is wandering the earth looking for my parental approval? Juliet, know that mama is proud of you and that I appreciate your email.
  2. That any child of mine would be good at math. Not only would they be good at math, but that they would be proactive enough to actively improve their math skills independently – like it’s something that they want.
  3. Are you sure you’re mine, Juliet?

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One of these things is not like the other

My mom put out a fruit bowl (basket? It’s square-ish, so presumably it’s not a bowl. What is this? Who is an adult that uses shit like this? Who do I know that has decorative kitchen…appliances (?) things?).

And I can’t be sure if this is arranged the way it is because my mother is 1. hilarious 2. a space case that doesn’t pay attention to what she’s doing or 3. conducting a deeply disturbing social experiment on her dinner guests.

photo

one of these things is not like the other

She actually prompted people to grab some fruit or nuts before dinner if they were hungry.

Hey, seriously, what is the fruit and nuts receptacle called?

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Which mythical creature am I?

This is who I wanted to get, y’all. I feel so blessed
which mythical creature are you

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Filed under celebrities, tv

Is this a robot trying to kill me? Yes/no?

Here are a series of texts with humorous confessions, and a poll at the end.
img_5105
img_5106

 

Is this a robot person?
robot-kill

 

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Filed under cats, horrifying, robots, science! technology!

The best lens to be viewed through

Is this the most accurate description of me ever?
ultimate-trash-poet

(the answer is ‘yes’)

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Filed under friends, literature, Philadelphia

Things I found today in my purse:

chicken-drummer

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December 29, 2016 · 6:40 pm

Reflection on this year of our satan, 2016:

too-adult-today

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December 21, 2016 · 3:33 pm

It’s been a long time (long time), we shouldn’t of left you (left you), Without a dope beat to step to

I make an alarming number of Timbaland references.

Anyway. For my horrible job I have long interviews with crazy people and then write websites based off of their bizarre delusions. During the interview, I have to fill out long, long questionnaires with their rambling verbal deliriums.

Since the world is ending following a racist bottle of orange Crush being named our president-elect, it’s timely that one of the websites would include something about arming babies for a baby militia. I’m assuming that’s what’s going on here:

baby-militia Also, blenders.

Who wants to make “arm the babies” shirts for You Life?

 

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Filed under emails, work