Category Archives: wine

Imagine what your life would look like

My job is insane, and it’s also filled with bureaucratic cost-cutters who like to ensure that their clients get as little quality out of their purchase as humanly possible. And that includes stock images that would make infant Jesus cry blood.

For example, when asked to re-edit a site I noticed that it included this image (for a website about air filtration systems):

 

what-are-these-people

That woman looks like she’s so repulsed by this man that she might puke on him.

What the fuck are these people? They don’t even look like real people. They look like something out of AI but maybe a low-budget first attempt at it where the sex robots cuddle with one another in order to briefly escape their metal-indentured-servitude while wearing shitty clothes on a floor in an adobe. What’s going on with that cabinet behind them? Is it blocking an exit? Is it filled with logs? This all looks like the cover of the Sweet Valley High where Elizabeth gets kidnapped from her job as a candy stripper at the hospital by that unstable guy who feeds her pancakes. Liz? Is that you up there?

Dude, the itchy blanket isn’t even covering his lap entirely. I see his jeans. And, like, he looks vaguely threatening, right? He looks like he’s pulling her closely to him in order to whisper to her his sweet-nothing fantasies about jerking off to Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto 

Okay, I can’t do better than a tug off to Apocalypto so enjoy the above.

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Filed under movies, romance, wine

I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see them dancin’

A few years ago I was on the phone with my mom and was telling her about my weekend plans and she responded with this direct (and haunting) quote:

You’ve got your cats and your knitting…sounds like you’re really clickin’ your heels over there in Philadelphia.

So…I tried to brush that off, but upon some re-inspection I might have to reevaluate all of my life choices, and drink a bottle [box] of wine, and cry while shout-singing “Part of Your World” to my feline companions.

Friday night. Just got paid. My cat found my knitting

Friday night. Just got paid. My cat found my knitting

...like, it's not a GREAT feeling when even your cat kind of disrespects you

…like, it’s not a GREAT feeling when even your cat kind of disrespects you


I’m ready to know what the people know!!!!!!

 

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Filed under Animals, cats, crafts, movies, music, Philadelphia, wine

Happy end of 2013

I know how I'll be spending it

I know how I’ll be spending it

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Filed under Booze, cats, doodles, Holidays, wine

The destructive return of You Life

Sorry for the lapse in updating. Not to fear. I’ve been up to my normal antics.

Such as turning this:

And it's you, and me, and the screwnacorn makes three tonight

And it’s you, and me, and the screwnacorn makes three tonight

(yes, that was a Cherry Poppin Daddies references – say something, I dare you)

Into:

a castrated sadacorn

a sadacorn

This is what castration probably feels like.

Goodbye, corkscrewnacorn, you lived a noble life and died a nobler death at the hands of $5 wine.

 

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Filed under unicorns, wine

It is our mighty banner under which we fly:

you're never drinking alone

This is a universal truth.

 

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Filed under Animals, art, cats, doodles, friends, wine, work

Pizza with Cheez

Some time ago, in a land not far far away, a girl made a promise to herself to stop eating as though her fast metabolism was going to last forever.

Just a brief example of what I like to eat for breakfast. Mega Blow Pop stories to follow at a later date.

I have a great deal of trepidation that one day my Cheetos®  for breakfast fare will cause me a massive coronary before the age of 30. After much speculation I decided to eat better and exercise regularly. The next day I ate a bagel with cream cheese and Cheez-It®s (see previous entry). So, I figured that maybe I would become obsessed with working out and getting a gym membership.

But so far there is only one thing I am obsessed with.

Cheez-It®

And, yes, you are seeing that correctly. It’s a pizza covered in Cheez-It®s and then doused with hot sauce.

Fuck you, health

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Filed under cooking, food, horrifying, wine

Caught in a bad romance – with myself.

Sometimes a lady just needs to reward herself for a Tuesday well-done. It’s extremely important to romance one’s self, and, at “You Life,” self-romancing is done right.

The first rule of self-congratulations is treat yourself to your favorite dinner. So, after work, I set off to get my absolute favorite Tuesday meal:

Tuesday night: the perfect night for a lemon meringue doughnut and five dollar wine.

The best thing about being an adult is that I can drink my calories and pretend that it is a fancy enjoyment by coupling it with an overpriced doughnut!

However, no matter how hard you work, there is always someone that wants to keep you down, take advantage of your generosity, and shit all over your night of pampering.

George. It was George that wanted to shit all over my night of self-romancing.

What happened was that, in my wine-provoked state of liberality, I gave George a taste of his favorite treat. This mofo LOVES doughnuts. The first picture was of him lovingly tasting the meringue. The second picture was going to be of me enjoying the doughnut; instead, it turned into a candid of George trying to hit me in the face to get the rest of the sweets. And, since I suffered the face battery, he won.

That ended the meal portion of the night. Undeterred, I moved onto other self-spoiling activities, like lighting candles and setting up a hot bath to enjoy.

This is how I have to prepare for a bath:
Put the stopper in.

in case you can’t tell, that is a shot glass

Fill with hot water.

That is a tea kettle filled with hot water since I only get an average of three minutes of hot water, which generally is enough time to fill my tub with less than two inches of mostly tepid water

After a fruitless fifteen minute search for candles to put around the tub, I soaked my work-exhausted limbs in the luke-warm water…

...until Liono jumped into the bathtub shortly after this picture was snapped

That pretty much ended the whole night.

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Filed under cats, food, romance, wine