Category Archives: romance

Imagine what your life would look like

My job is insane, and it’s also filled with bureaucratic cost-cutters who like to ensure that their clients get as little quality out of their purchase as humanly possible. And that includes stock images that would make infant Jesus cry blood.

For example, when asked to re-edit a site I noticed that it included this image (for a website about air filtration systems):

 

what-are-these-people

That woman looks like she’s so repulsed by this man that she might puke on him.

What the fuck are these people? They don’t even look like real people. They look like something out of AI but maybe a low-budget first attempt at it where the sex robots cuddle with one another in order to briefly escape their metal-indentured-servitude while wearing shitty clothes on a floor in an adobe. What’s going on with that cabinet behind them? Is it blocking an exit? Is it filled with logs? This all looks like the cover of the Sweet Valley High where Elizabeth gets kidnapped from her job as a candy stripper at the hospital by that unstable guy who feeds her pancakes. Liz? Is that you up there?

Dude, the itchy blanket isn’t even covering his lap entirely. I see his jeans. And, like, he looks vaguely threatening, right? He looks like he’s pulling her closely to him in order to whisper to her his sweet-nothing fantasies about jerking off to Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto 

Okay, I can’t do better than a tug off to Apocalypto so enjoy the above.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under movies, romance, wine

The Art of Conversation

how to have a conversation with me

if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my cats

As much as I’d love to hear about your Mike and the Mechanics like relationship with your father, I’d prefer to just put on “In the Living Years,” if I wanted to hear about your childhood. Less you. More cats.

Leave a comment

Filed under cats, romance

In the Valley of the Serpents, Only Lovers Survive

Here is the newest installment of Fan Fiction of Failure. This one is written by your very own You Life. The ridiculously talented This Guy, Jim C, once again lends his talents for the illustrations. And, again, the amazing Anthony donates his lovely vocal cords for the voice over.

Enjoy!

finished dreaming
finished fantasy
finished awake
finished startled use

Harry pushed up the sleeves of his tattered cloak. The previous several years having been a dream, Harry was back to the grind – trying to destroy Voldemort, but more importantly trying to hide the true emotions slowing building inside him like a camp fire.

“Harry?” Snape emerged like a wounded panther. Sleek and dangerous. Harry’s heart quickened at the approaching visage, wise and grave. His voice was barely a squeak when it came out, a warmth was spreading throughout his belly, “Yes, Professor Snape?”
finished wounded panther
finished heart pounding
finished yes professor snape

The professor closed the space between them. With trembling fingers he reached out and brushed a lock of Harry’s dark hair out his eyes. Harry quaked with the tension, as Snape’s body, only a breath away grazed his own. “You fought magnificently today,” he whispered lustily.

Harry tilted his chin up…
finished brushing a lock of hair
finished lifting chin

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under art, comics, doodles, fan fiction, literature, romance

How do you express your feelings?

Have you ever had the feelings for someone? Me too!

I am pretty shy at expressing my emotions, so I found the best way to share how I feel with that certain someone is to send a handmade postcard.

Like this one that I mailed to that special person recently:

nothing like drawing that person an adorable kitty

nothing like drawing that person an adorable kitty

to let them know how you really feel.

to let them know how you really feel.

Which, in this case, is disgust and disdain.

It’s the You Life version of Hallmark, always sending the very best. Also, cats.

Leave a comment

Filed under Booze, cats, doodles, romance

What I wore to work – the I’ve obviously stopped caring edition

Oh? Did you try and hide the work bear from me?

Guess what?

I fucking found him

I fucking found him

And stole him

unrelated - I've also taken to wearing a mustache at work these days

unrelated – I’ve also taken to wearing a mustache at work these days

Just like Brandy and Monica sang before me, “the bear is mine.”

1 Comment

Filed under Animals, music, romance, work

Caught in a bad romance – with myself.

Sometimes a lady just needs to reward herself for a Tuesday well-done. It’s extremely important to romance one’s self, and, at “You Life,” self-romancing is done right.

The first rule of self-congratulations is treat yourself to your favorite dinner. So, after work, I set off to get my absolute favorite Tuesday meal:

Tuesday night: the perfect night for a lemon meringue doughnut and five dollar wine.

The best thing about being an adult is that I can drink my calories and pretend that it is a fancy enjoyment by coupling it with an overpriced doughnut!

However, no matter how hard you work, there is always someone that wants to keep you down, take advantage of your generosity, and shit all over your night of pampering.

George. It was George that wanted to shit all over my night of self-romancing.

What happened was that, in my wine-provoked state of liberality, I gave George a taste of his favorite treat. This mofo LOVES doughnuts. The first picture was of him lovingly tasting the meringue. The second picture was going to be of me enjoying the doughnut; instead, it turned into a candid of George trying to hit me in the face to get the rest of the sweets. And, since I suffered the face battery, he won.

That ended the meal portion of the night. Undeterred, I moved onto other self-spoiling activities, like lighting candles and setting up a hot bath to enjoy.

This is how I have to prepare for a bath:
Put the stopper in.

in case you can’t tell, that is a shot glass

Fill with hot water.

That is a tea kettle filled with hot water since I only get an average of three minutes of hot water, which generally is enough time to fill my tub with less than two inches of mostly tepid water

After a fruitless fifteen minute search for candles to put around the tub, I soaked my work-exhausted limbs in the luke-warm water…

...until Liono jumped into the bathtub shortly after this picture was snapped

That pretty much ended the whole night.

3 Comments

Filed under cats, food, romance, wine