Since I am obviously completely incapable of kicking an illness in any sort of normal amount of human time, I have been crumpling under the weight of congestion, nausea, sore throat, and exhaustion for over a week now.
But, since I also refuse to give up the overtime availability at my job I still attended work. I say “attended” because what I did while there (other than watch Mighty Ducks) was stare my computer screen and feel sorry for myself.
However, a very kindly co-worker found a space heater for which I could heat away the chill.
But since I can’t just ethically come into work today with a fever and a disinterest in the health of my co-workers, I eventually took the time off
To spend all of it in my bathtub steaming away rivers of mucus
And after I got out of the bath the next day I noticed something. Something…horrifying.
What the Jesus is that?
Evidently while I was at work trying to heat myself out of a flu and galvanize myself into keeping my eyes open, I had pressed my feet against the space heater until I eventually gave myself superficial second degree burns.
So I did what any person would do. I lanced them with a pin. And by pin…I mean corkscrew.
It was with this exact corkscrew, actually. I am not lying. Thanks corkscrew-nacorn
And now it looks like it’s healing…
Or perhaps my foot is going to fall off
You life is not so great 