Category Archives: Philadelphia

The best lens to be viewed through

Is this the most accurate description of me ever?
ultimate-trash-poet

(the answer is ‘yes’)

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Filed under friends, literature, Philadelphia

I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see them dancin’

A few years ago I was on the phone with my mom and was telling her about my weekend plans and she responded with this direct (and haunting) quote:

You’ve got your cats and your knitting…sounds like you’re really clickin’ your heels over there in Philadelphia.

So…I tried to brush that off, but upon some re-inspection I might have to reevaluate all of my life choices, and drink a bottle [box] of wine, and cry while shout-singing “Part of Your World” to my feline companions.

Friday night. Just got paid. My cat found my knitting

Friday night. Just got paid. My cat found my knitting

...like, it's not a GREAT feeling when even your cat kind of disrespects you

…like, it’s not a GREAT feeling when even your cat kind of disrespects you


I’m ready to know what the people know!!!!!!

 

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Filed under Animals, cats, crafts, movies, music, Philadelphia, wine

The conversation that created a lifetime of laughter (for me)

There are times I get down about the calamities I’ve created, which I’ll sometimes refer to as “life.” And since the world revolves around me and my happiness, I’ve had to find satisfying ways to bring joy back in my life during the times when things get dark (like when I had to spend a shocking twenty minutes today looking for my shoe’s mate).

I’ve documented a previous way here

And barring that this’ll bring a great big smile to my face:

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Then there is watching Katherine Heigl’s charming shenanigans on loop like 27 Dresses carries the secrets to the mysteries of the Bible.

but doesn't it though?

but doesn’t it though?

But sometimes, no matter how many slices of pizza you look at or how many Katherine Heigl rom-coms you watch (I also suggest the one with Gerard Butler where he’s a dick but she falls for him anyway cause underneath he’s just a big softie. That one is great too), the sun refuses to shine on you.

When I get that blue I like to conjure up a conversation that one day I was lucky enough to overhear. While indulging in my pretention at the local coffee shop, a pair of new-agey hippies sat next to me in the middle of a huge problem. Catastrophic.

The deal was that one of them had a date that night with a fellow she really liked and wanted to have sex with BUT she was on her period (DA DUM DUM!). And following this confession, the greatest advice I ever fucking heard was dispensed:

“I would really like to sleep with him but I’m on my period right now” – wept one hippie

“I heard from a friend that if you sit naked in the desert for an hour or so it’ll make your period go away.”

IF YOU SIT NAKED IN THE DESERT…YOUR PERIOD WILL GO AWAY.

This is unquestionably the best thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t even imagine what the other woman did with that information. Drive around the suburbs of Philadelphia looking for a patch of dirt to sit naked in for several hours until menstruation ceased?

side note: it looks like she's mediating on, like, Tatooine

side note: it looks like she’s mediating on, like, Tatooine

Thank you for the eternal laughter, ladies. Happy menstruating!

 

 

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Filed under celebrities, doodles, hilarious, horrifying, movies, Philadelphia

How to make the most delicious chicken wings ever

My friends and I had been hearing only the best things about this Korean restaurant in Northeast Philadelphia. It seemed like we couldn’t walk ten paces without someone enthusiastically telling us to go to this place and get the fried chicken wings. GET THE CHICKEN WINGS.

So we went and amidst great confusion got the wings. It might not seem a great trial to order fried chicken wings (for a normal person’s life). But this might clarify why we ordered with shaky voices, “the chicken wings?” (waitstaff love nothing more than when you phrase your food order as a question):

That's the menu. Is the hot lady a meal option? She's both "sweet AND hot."

That’s the menu. Is the hot lady a meal option? She’s both “sweet AND hot.”

The wings were mother fucking delicious. Because the wings might be people. And, dammit, people wings are fucking delightful.

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Filed under food, movies, Philadelphia

Where are you going to spend eternity?

Got stopped by a person in the subway in order to get another religious pamphlet (a disturbing theme in my life, see: the time I was mistaken for a homeless person) . This time the pamphlet wanted to get right to the issue at hand

I feel like we all know the answer to this

I feel like we all know the answer to this

According to the rhetoric inside, I will not be spending eternity in a nice place.

(HELL! It’s hell, in case you couldn’t tell where the pamphlet was going)

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Filed under Philadelphia, public transportation, religion

Hurricane Sandy and lotsa fuckin’ candy


Oh hey! There was hurricane throughout the East Coast from Sunday to Tuesday of last week. Did you hear about this? Gotta tell you, I ignored every single news report of it because my evil Canadian overlord (see: my job) almost assuredly wouldn’t close. I prepared for the hurricane as the best little You Life I could be. I went to the dollar store and got the essentials:

cat food – look at how fucking terrified that cat is, also 30% protein? Amazing. Cat litter – for cartoon animals

And diet coke.

Sunday night I was lounging when I got a call that indicated that the East Coast was going to fall into the ocean: my office was closed. Perhaps I should have purchased a candle? Nope – let the rains come.

The beginning of the hurricane stay-vaction

On Monday I woke up to a gray sky, but nothing that indicated to me that the gods’ were wrathful. After waking up, going back to sleep, waking up again, and then trying to make a cup of coffee from an espresso machine that I forgot I stole from a cunty ex-roommate I was up. Starving. Bored.

So I assessed the following two things: the secret reserves in the apartment

This is for the end times. The secret storage of candy, syrup, and strawberry fluff

And how it looked outside:

Let’s be frank. There is only so much reading, movie watching, hobby-doing, and masturbating that a person can do in one day. At around two I had enough. I left the apartment to walk to get food. Nothing was open. So then, I did what any adult would do.

I went to see how terrifying the playground was during the hurricane

Shortly after going on the swings a police officer drove by and gave me a very stern tongue lashing pertaining to the idiocy of wandering around during a storm.

Returned home.

Sent this text message to my best friend after the lights started flickering:

“I better not have to wank off by candle light” (it would be like jerking off during Little House of the Prairie times. I want to crank it with all of the modern amenities).

Hunger took over. So I did what I needed to do…

I defrosted the chocolate bunnies from Easter, seven months earlier, and covered them in Cupcake magic shell for dinner

Sadness. Utter sadness.

Finally a friend without power came over with the barest of cooking supplies (defrosted chicken thighs, a mini pan, rice, and rum). Seeing as how I don’t own any of the following: cooking oil, a pot, utensils, or a pan it was going to be a trial to cook both the chicken and rice. But, since I am a bit of a fucking wizard I made an entire meal using the smallest frying pan known to man and an iron skillet that was so large that it could have cooked me. I steamed the rice in the skillet with a pizza box. INDUSTRIOUSNESS.

While cooking this a Queen song played in the background. What is covering the bitty frying pan? A metal pizza “stone” …rust side up.

Tuesday:

Tried to sleep in. With great success

Played SNES for hours

In the battle for Kirby dominance I told Happy Brother Senior to eat an entire bag of dicks and finished the victor.

And then it all de-evolved after the second entire day without leaving the apartment. It de-evolved into me creating this “mojito” mix that I think was a code for rat poison. It called to fill a plastic bucket with warm water, this neon green powder, and rum. Later on that day I could be found amongst the piles of VHS tapes in my apartment, eating the slushy poison out of a bucket, dancing to the last song from the credits in Legend.

No seriously, Tangerine Dream is fucking out of this world amazing.

And that is how I survived.

Because I was fine. And my love was strong enough.

Hearts, and flowers, and posi vibes to those not as ridiculously fortunate as me.

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Filed under apartment, Booze, cooking, food, friends, movies, music, Philadelphia, work

How I defend myself

It should come as no surprise, give my penchant for Napoleon complex like antics, that I am short. Super short. Really fucking small.

five foot shawty assassin

 

And when you are this damn small, with a habit to get into so much trouble, it’s essential that you learn how to defend yourself when the going gets hostile. My method, since childhood, has been emulation of the moves of professional wrestlers.

I’ve been to two professional wrestling events since my childhood – I wish this was a joke, but that is a Bret Hart shirt from the Holiday Hell Tour in the early 90s. Eat it hipsters and long for my un-ironic ironic WWF swag

 

So, if you are feeling, say, threatened on your birthday, what should you do? Um…the Million Dollar Dream. Obviously. And you should do this after drinking several pints of home brew outside of bar- unwashed, following a Kool & the Gang sing-a-long.

Get your back up off the wall, do wrestling moves, come on!

Now you can defend yourself!

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Filed under beer, birthday, Booze, friends, Philadelphia