I’m turning 33 tomorrow (Rejoice!Rejoice! Emmanuel) and that fact is a true surprise to us all, especially my friends that have had a death poll on me since I was 22.
BUT I’M STILL HERE:
And as such I’m making difficult choices as I extend my birthday from one day (tomorrow, the year of our Lord and the start of my Jesus birthday, August 16th) to three days starting today. Such as, which ice cream sundae do I eat today?
And since 33 is gonna be the year where I petition for help in all the right places, I fielded out this decision to other people:
I’m a motherfucking Jesus-aged lady (almost) and I’m gonna order both fucking sundaes today.
I am an old person today. And to remind me where my priorities have laid for the last many years, my best friend emailed me to remind me about friendship and love:
Ahh yes, it’s you my old friend
And again, see you later on tonight Jack Daniel’s.
It should come as no surprise, give my penchant for Napoleon complex like antics, that I am short. Super short. Really fucking small.
five foot shawty assassin
And when you are this damn small, with a habit to get into so much trouble, it’s essential that you learn how to defend yourself when the going gets hostile. My method, since childhood, has been emulation of the moves of professional wrestlers.
I’ve been to two professional wrestling events since my childhood – I wish this was a joke, but that is a Bret Hart shirt from the Holiday Hell Tour in the early 90s. Eat it hipsters and long for my un-ironic ironic WWF swag
So, if you are feeling, say, threatened on your birthday, what should you do? Um…the Million Dollar Dream. Obviously. And you should do this after drinking several pints of home brew outside of bar- unwashed, following a Kool & the Gang sing-a-long.
Get your back up off the wall, do wrestling moves, come on!
Now you can defend yourself!
It’s my birthday, and someone very special wants to celebrate with me.
Jack Daniel’s wants to celebrate with me. Welcome to adulthood, where a liquor company is who wants to celebrate the anniversary of your birth. I’ll see you later tonight, Jack!
Happy You Life!
Filed under birthday, Booze