Category Archives: letters

The rise of office bitchery

While I would generally never update twice in the same week, something so magical has happened that it warranted the effort to type.

Like a phoenix rising from bitchy ashes, more passive aggressive notes have flown into the break room.

let me fill the break room with my suck!

let me fill the break room with my suck!

It’s honestly better than I could ever wish for:

RAR RAR RAR WRATH WRATH WRATH. "I'm going to write this instead of a nice note that says 'please don't eat my food, I'm broke and doing so is silly'" RAR RAR RAR

RAR RAR RAR WRATH WRATH WRATH. “I’m going to write this instead of a nice note that says ‘please don’t eat my food, I’m broke and doing so is silly'” RAR RAR RAR

I feel this person’s pain. So I wrote a note in solidarity (or in sarcasm). I think it speaks for itself:

Only when it feeds upon the blood of the innocent will the refrigerator monster leave us alone!

Only when it feeds upon the blood of the innocent will the refrigerator monster leave us alone!

Together. In perfect unity.
photo (22)

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Filed under cranky, doodles, food, letters

What a hateful vending machine

The best notes are passive aggressive notes at the work place. There is a secret thrill letting someone know how much you disapprove of their behavior. It must be doubly so when you address that disapproval to an inanimate object (sort of animate object? I mean…a vending machine does move, there’s some animation involved).

Let’s investigate

I WANT MY DOLLAR, VENDING MACHINE!

I WANT MY DOLLAR, VENDING MACHINE!

I would like to yell at the vending machine too, my concern and hatred regarding the robot apocalypse is well documented

spoiler alert - I don't actually have an extension. Because I don't have a phone

spoiler alert – I don’t actually have an extension. Because I don’t have a phone

Hating machines together, in perfect harmony
photo (10)

Never let the machines win.

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Filed under letters, robots, science! technology!, work

I just can’t quit you, so you fired me

It’s the final week of working at my job after getting the lay off notice six months ago. In efforts to appear supportive, the team that is replacing us sent us a gigantic fucking card thanking us…for our jobs. Which are now their jobs.

To paraphrase a co-worker, how dare they use cats to further their agenda?

To paraphrase a co-worker, how dare they use cats to further their agenda?

But then those Canadian bastards raised the bar on emotional (and…in a way physical) manipulation.

They collaborated with a bakery in Philadelphia to send us all fancy cupcakes

which I handled with my typical self-restraint. I took two and am circling the remainder of them like a shark around a wounded seal

which I handled with my typical self-restraint. I took two and am circling the remainder of them like a shark around a wounded seal

My heart melted.

Until I of course remembered that with a paycheck I could just buy my own damn cupcakes. I will not be satiated by a gift of fancy cupcakes (physically yes, and to a degree emotionally, but not monetarily).  I know your tricks, Canada

Take to the internet
blame canada revenge
blame canada revenge 2

Listen up, Canada, I’m coming for you. And when I say “you” I mean:

 

Real Canadian heroes

Real Canadian heroes


Actually, I’m just going to take another cupcake and curse you. 

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Filed under broke, cats, food, letters, work

THE BEST DAY OF MY [you] LIFE!

I once updated about my undying love for White Russian. Here .  And maybe, just maybe, I also wrote another sorta intense letter that can be found here .

And today I got this in my email:

Thank you Jesus, and Ben & Jerry

Thank you Jesus, and Ben, & Jerry

I would like to think that this is solely because of my determination. And emails. And letters. The trip up there to mourn at the graveyard.  And threats.

So thanks for taking notice Ben and Jerry, it had been too long.

And in case you thought I was exaggerating, this is a real life exchange:
white russian thank god

You’re welcome fellow White Russian fans.

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Filed under emails, food, letters

LinkedIn giving the rough advice

woah now

woah now

LinkedIn distributing the tough love…and how

Maybe I thought my fat pants were flattering?

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Filed under emails, hilarious, letters

The end times

Well my juncture at my hideous job is coming to a very slow (crawling) end. In response to this I have decided to be as unhelpful as humanly possible.

My work gets back checked (endlessly) for editing mistakes. The back checker will leave helpful little notes on what I did wrong.

I have responded to such a note. With great prejudice.

just in case I was confused about what I did wrong.



 

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What flu shot?

I look more like a consumptive child than usual today.

It’s always bad when my bangs are pulled back

Here is a brief email exchange as to why my eyes are larger than normal and I’m dressed like Small Wonder (nah, I just like dressing like Small Wonder).

> —–Original Message—–

> From: Janie
> Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 12:34 PM
To: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?

Fever – check, swollen tonsils – check, achy – check,
freezing – check

Today I was supposed to get the flu shot – I love the irony.  I feel like I am going to cry/die

And hurled the gifting of some French fries by a coworker in the middle of writing this.

Whine

Yes – read correctly, I got the flu on the day I was supposed to get the flu shot.

— On Thu, 11/15/12, Zachary  wrote
From: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Janie”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:18 PM

I hope you feel better.  I’m pretty sure Tundy is a doctor, so confer with him forthwith

To whom is he referencing?

Only paging Dr. Liono – that’s all

From: Janie
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Zachary”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:25 PM

Poor shirt storm! I have listened to Joanna Newsom on loop and loop and felt so sorry for myself and melancholy and sick that I went into the bathroom and wept for my own self pity. As it turns out I am the worst sick person in the world, certainly the most over dramatic.

Peach, Plum, Pear is also quite sad.

And truthfully, the National didn’t help either.

But then again I also cried listening to Mighty Ducks III, which I have spelled Mighty Fucks so many times today I lost count.

But on further inspection….

My Adam Banks…how you’ve grown….

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Filed under Animals, cats, cranky, letters, movies, work