Category Archives: letters

The rise of office bitchery

While I would generally never update twice in the same week, something so magical has happened that it warranted the effort to type.

Like a phoenix rising from bitchy ashes, more passive aggressive notes have flown into the break room.

let me fill the break room with my suck!

let me fill the break room with my suck!

It’s honestly better than I could ever wish for:

RAR RAR RAR WRATH WRATH WRATH. "I'm going to write this instead of a nice note that says 'please don't eat my food, I'm broke and doing so is silly'" RAR RAR RAR

RAR RAR RAR WRATH WRATH WRATH. “I’m going to write this instead of a nice note that says ‘please don’t eat my food, I’m broke and doing so is silly'” RAR RAR RAR

I feel this person’s pain. So I wrote a note in solidarity (or in sarcasm). I think it speaks for itself:

Only when it feeds upon the blood of the innocent will the refrigerator monster leave us alone!

Only when it feeds upon the blood of the innocent will the refrigerator monster leave us alone!

Together. In perfect unity.
photo (22)

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Filed under cranky, doodles, food, letters

What a hateful vending machine

The best notes are passive aggressive notes at the work place. There is a secret thrill letting someone know how much you disapprove of their behavior. It must be doubly so when you address that disapproval to an inanimate object (sort of animate object? I mean…a vending machine does move, there’s some animation involved).

Let’s investigate



I would like to yell at the vending machine too, my concern and hatred regarding the robot apocalypse is well documented

spoiler alert - I don't actually have an extension. Because I don't have a phone

spoiler alert – I don’t actually have an extension. Because I don’t have a phone

Hating machines together, in perfect harmony
photo (10)

Never let the machines win.


Filed under letters, robots, science! technology!, work

I just can’t quit you, so you fired me

It’s the final week of working at my job after getting the lay off notice six months ago. In efforts to appear supportive, the team that is replacing us sent us a gigantic fucking card thanking us…for our jobs. Which are now their jobs.

To paraphrase a co-worker, how dare they use cats to further their agenda?

To paraphrase a co-worker, how dare they use cats to further their agenda?

But then those Canadian bastards raised the bar on emotional (and…in a way physical) manipulation.

They collaborated with a bakery in Philadelphia to send us all fancy cupcakes

which I handled with my typical self-restraint. I took two and am circling the remainder of them like a shark around a wounded seal

which I handled with my typical self-restraint. I took two and am circling the remainder of them like a shark around a wounded seal

My heart melted.

Until I of course remembered that with a paycheck I could just buy my own damn cupcakes. I will not be satiated by a gift of fancy cupcakes (physically yes, and to a degree emotionally, but not monetarily).  I know your tricks, Canada

Take to the internet
blame canada revenge
blame canada revenge 2

Listen up, Canada, I’m coming for you. And when I say “you” I mean:


Real Canadian heroes

Real Canadian heroes

Actually, I’m just going to take another cupcake and curse you. 

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Filed under broke, cats, food, letters, work


I once updated about my undying love for White Russian. Here .  And maybe, just maybe, I also wrote another sorta intense letter that can be found here .

And today I got this in my email:

Thank you Jesus, and Ben & Jerry

Thank you Jesus, and Ben, & Jerry

I would like to think that this is solely because of my determination. And emails. And letters. The trip up there to mourn at the graveyard.  And threats.

So thanks for taking notice Ben and Jerry, it had been too long.

And in case you thought I was exaggerating, this is a real life exchange:
white russian thank god

You’re welcome fellow White Russian fans.

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Filed under emails, food, letters

LinkedIn giving the rough advice

woah now

woah now

LinkedIn distributing the tough love…and how

Maybe I thought my fat pants were flattering?

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Filed under emails, hilarious, letters

The end times

Well my juncture at my hideous job is coming to a very slow (crawling) end. In response to this I have decided to be as unhelpful as humanly possible.

My work gets back checked (endlessly) for editing mistakes. The back checker will leave helpful little notes on what I did wrong.

I have responded to such a note. With great prejudice.

just in case I was confused about what I did wrong.


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What flu shot?

I look more like a consumptive child than usual today.

It’s always bad when my bangs are pulled back

Here is a brief email exchange as to why my eyes are larger than normal and I’m dressed like Small Wonder (nah, I just like dressing like Small Wonder).

> —–Original Message—–

> From: Janie
> Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 12:34 PM
To: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?

Fever – check, swollen tonsils – check, achy – check,
freezing – check

Today I was supposed to get the flu shot – I love the irony.  I feel like I am going to cry/die

And hurled the gifting of some French fries by a coworker in the middle of writing this.


Yes – read correctly, I got the flu on the day I was supposed to get the flu shot.

— On Thu, 11/15/12, Zachary  wrote
From: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Janie”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:18 PM

I hope you feel better.  I’m pretty sure Tundy is a doctor, so confer with him forthwith

To whom is he referencing?

Only paging Dr. Liono – that’s all

From: Janie
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Zachary”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:25 PM

Poor shirt storm! I have listened to Joanna Newsom on loop and loop and felt so sorry for myself and melancholy and sick that I went into the bathroom and wept for my own self pity. As it turns out I am the worst sick person in the world, certainly the most over dramatic.

Peach, Plum, Pear is also quite sad.

And truthfully, the National didn’t help either.

But then again I also cried listening to Mighty Ducks III, which I have spelled Mighty Fucks so many times today I lost count.

But on further inspection….

My Adam Banks…how you’ve grown….

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Filed under Animals, cats, cranky, letters, movies, work

Delicious determination…and threats

There were two men that introduced me to a pleasure that was so extreme that it resulted in full body ecstasy, tears of joy, and post-bliss bedwetting. And they were armed with an aphrodisiac more powerful than rophenal or Mexican fly.

Those two men were:

I definitely want something of yours inside me.

And their weapon:

Close enough

To clarify: it was White Russian ice cream by Messrs Ben & Jerry, in case you thought it was Jeff Bridges flavored ice cream.

I am not lying, when it comes to the mystical magical nature of this ice cream: it’s like all of life’s happiness broken down into dairy and sugar. There would be no hesitation if given the option between orgasms and White Russian ice cream; the ice cream is better than any orgasm I have ever had. Consuming White Russian ice cream has given me a more sacred experience than I received in eighteen years of private parochial education.

And like everything that makes me happy, one day White Russian ceased to exist.

The resting ground for everything good in this world

Who is that I see in this bullshit graveyard?

Oh right, the only thing in this fucking world that brought me joy.

A well adjusted person would move on and potentially find a different ice cream to enjoy.

Love means never accepting the limitations of death.

But since I never claimed to be well adjusted, or mentally sound, I started emailing the website pretty frequently (twice a month).

When faced with defeat some people might be satisfied with just writing to the email suggestion page that B&J have on their page. And then, when nothing comes from it those same people might not, say, start an aggressive letter writing campaign.

But, I have more time and less to live for than normal people. So, I started writing the company letters.

Here is the first one

Dear whoever has taken over for Ben and Jerry,

It has been a few weeks since I’ve written to the company, but I am back with more vim and verve than ever. For awhile I had been writing on a weekly basis with little to no luck pertaining to a topic dear to me. I was disheartened and gave up the crusade, but now I believe that my lack of success might have been due to the former Ben & Jerry’s inability to tackle every issue that might be brought to the company’s attention.

But now, while Messrs Ben & Jerry are enjoying their retirement, I feel that a corporation might be more willing to handle my, meager though important, requests (demands).

White Russian.

That is all. Bring back White Russian ice cream. I can detail why this is so important and how it will bring about even greater financial success for this company.

1. A great part of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is that they were among the first to start loading ice cream, already an unhealthy treat, full of candy. I have not experienced a B & J ice cream that didn’t ensure me a sugar high and future trip to the dentist. But Ben & Jerry’s is all about pushing the envelope, like a ice cream version of Madonna! It is so important to reinvent one’s self and what better way to do that then to offer the complete opposite of what made the ice cream so wonderful to begin with; no candy. Just smooth sailing ice cream that wasn’t chocolate or vanilla. Brilliant move! It was what drew me to this flavor to begin with and I am sure that others are with me; Ben and Jerry should offer something that isn’t the equivalent to an entire floor at Willy Wonka’s factory but isn’t as boring as chocolate or vanilla.

2. Use this flavor as some sort of social change. I completely support all of the honorable social efforts that this company so deeply values. I value them too! Only I would value them MORE if I could eat White Russian at the same time. There has GOT to be some sort of cause, social or otherwise, that can be linked with this ice cream. Think deeply, be creative. Give twenty five cents from every White Russian sold to a favorite charity or have it benefit US and Russian relations. Use the money to send disenfranchised American students toRussiato see their way of life and vice versa. You guys iron out the details, but I think we have something here.

3. Get the Coen brothers in on this! Use your vast resources and get them to somehow name drop this flavor. What better publicity for Ben & Jerry’s than two academy award winning brothers discussing an ice cream flavor based off the favorite drink of one of their most famous characters, the Dude? Or get Jeff Bridges to do it, the Dude with the ice cream. I don’t know how far the B & J cash goes but I think by getting a celebrity endorsement White Russian ice cream doesn’t have to stop with just ice cream; I see tote bags and t-shirts in the company’s future.

I think I have made some very valid points on how important White Russian ice cream is to the future of Ben & Jerry’s and I hope you strongly consider bringing back this flavor.

If I don’t hear from you in a week you can be sure that I will write another email.

All of my love,

*As of now, I have not heard back from the company pertaining to my demands. *


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Filed under cooking, cranky, food, letters