Category Archives: hilarious

November 20, 2015 · 3:44 pm

Cataloging Custom for You [Life]

I used to work for a legitimate crazy person at her home office, which is a horse of different color. But one day these two super-hot dudes came to her door and said they were selling books. So instantly suckered into their little web of deceit, my boss and I bought like $45 worth of books. Fun side note, the grimier one of the dudes gave me his number in case I needed my, “lawn trimmed” (his words, not mine).

After six months, it became apparent that two jerk-offs ripped off an old (crazy) lady and a young girl. No books appeared. However, I did start receiving a subscription to Gourmet Magazine that I never requested or paid for.

Because sometimes the universe rewards you by being ripped off by someone who you thought was flirting with you with a magazine that you’ve never been interested in, used, or really read. And then it further rewards you by sending you William Sonoma catalogues for two years following, assumedly because of it.  Thanks, universe!

And something similar happened to my best friend Shawn recently:

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July 1, 2014 · 1:07 pm

Clandestine Declarations

IT’S A GRAND OL’ FLAG IT’S A BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

It’s July, which means that, as Americans, we get to celebrate our Independence. And what could be more celebratory, American, and independent than a fan fiction of failure?

This magical and patriotic fan fiction comes from one of the brilliant minds at Emerson, the art from a creative innovator in London, and voice over work from the soulful vocals of a popular VO professional. Enjoy!

clandestine declarations
George Washington was sitting in his office scanning his bookshelf when his good friend, John Adams, came in to chat.
“Hello George,” John said, “how’s the government today?”
“It’s good,” replied George, “but my day is better now that you’re here.”
John smiled and sat down. “I’m so glad to be home from my trip. My days are so much longer without you here.”
George smiled and walked up to John. He cradled the curls of his wig and placed his hand on John’s cheek. “Oh John,” he said, “I would chop down a thousand cherry trees for you.”
John’s whole face lit up like a fireworks display on July 4 (George’s favorite holiday). “George,” he said, “how about we make sweet love by candlelight and afterwards I’ll read you the Declaration of Independence?”
George blushed and nodded happily. “There’s no one I’d rather celebrate freedom, liberation, and fireworks with.”

Bios!
Kelsey Perkins is a student at Emerson College currently pursing her B.A. in Writing, Literature, and Publishing. She swears she is not a bad writer.
Dorothy Damage is a London-based feminist zinester rediscovering her love of drawing fanart and paper dolls. When not doodling, she can be found baking cakes, traversing space and time, and astounding those around her with feats of nerditude. Visit her poor neglected blog and follow her art portfolio, and she might send you a cookie! But probably not.
Chris R  is a voice over artist that has been drinking coffee since the age of 2. He has his own studio where he narrates audiobooks and does TV and radio spots as well. And…..Did he mention he loves coffee?

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June 23, 2014 · 9:20 pm

Second is Too Far

Such an incredible fan fiction I can scarcely believe exists. Thanks to Caroline for contributing, Joanna for voicing, and Liz for art work so amazing that it even includes the script. Bravo, ladies! Sisters are doin’ it for themselves!


part 1
part 2

Bios!
Caroline has been keeping herself very busy as an actress, improviser, teacher and Karaoke enthusiast for the past 4 years. When she isn’t working you can find her performing with Philly’s longest running comedy show : Comedy Sportz, or the musical stylings of Interrobang. Visit her website www.carolinerhoads.com for more info.
Joanna has the voice of a goddess and you’ll hear her dulcet tones throughout the wonderful city of Philadelphia. She and her husband were once on a talk show and that’s pretty cool.
Elizabeth Bergland is a Philadelphia artist, Star Trek enthusiast, Reed graduate, and breaker of hearts. She makes sock monsters along with art work, and when her Etsy pages are updated you can find more information about commissions there – You Life will keep you in the loop.   

 

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April 1, 2014 · 12:24 pm

Flash Fiction

Here’s the deal, at the beginning of the month You Life is going to post one (intentionally) horrible piece of fan fiction. We’ll take submissions, illustrate them, and get a voice over actor to voice them (more here). That way you can start off your month the right way – with your dreams of Pokémon copulation finally coming true (no innuendo intended in that sentence, but glad it happened!).

Our first piece is by my favorite comedian Dave Terruso titled Flash Fiction,
pictures by Jim C, and voice acting by Anthony C

(You can listen to this voice over brilliance here:) 

Barry Allen put on his red tights and laced up his golden boots. He spent three minutes making the little lightning bolts above his ears look carelessly tousled.

He had to look perfect today.

The Scarlet Speedster ran at a brisk pace around the park, slowly picking up speed. Eventually he ran at top speed, circling the Earth twice per second. Soon he reached a speed where he vibrated at a frequency that allowed him to travel to an alternate universe.

Once in the alternate universe, The Crimson Bolt slowed down and looked for his target, Mr. Jay Garrick. He quickly found Jay, easily recognizable in his outdated costume that used the same red and gold as Barry’s.
he found him in his retro costume
Both men heaved, catching their respective breaths. “You came back,” Garrick said.

you came back

“Yes,” Barry breathlessly whispered, “And now I’m going to come on your back.”
now im gonna

They took turns fucking each other.

 

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March 7, 2014 · 2:53 pm

How to bring people down a peg – This Guy

After an intellectually stimulating conversation with my dear friend we decided that you can only be one of the following: nice, hot, or talented. You can’t be all three, it’s not fair. Good qualities are too rare, and it’s unjust to hog all of them. PICK ONE.

Which is why this guy gets greeted with daily abuse by the writers’ room. Here are a few of the things that he gets to see about himself recently:

to add insult to injury. The hilarious illustration under the middle picture was drawn by "this guy." Because he's a talented writer and an incredible artist too. Bastard.

to add insult to injury the hilarious illustration under the middle picture was drawn by “this guy.” Because he’s a talented writer and an incredible artist. Bastard.

For more ha’s go visit the author of those missives here

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February 10, 2014 · 4:03 pm

The trouble with Wi-Fi

I’ve tried to explain to my 68-year-old father that not everyone knows his first name is Richard, and that by making this the Wi-Fi location it might be sending the elderly neighbors the wrong message

wifi

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December 9, 2013 · 8:44 pm

In case of emergency

Generally when I think of “in case of emergency” situations I tend to veer toward dialing 911 or screaming “fire” at the top of my lungs.

As it turns out I’ve been wrong all of these years
get a priest

I guess that’s why my accidents never get solved, I haven’t been contacting the right people.

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September 16, 2013 · 7:22 pm

Conversation topics with my dearest friend

Obviously my cats are my best friends. The only problem with that is their ability to communicate back is somewhat truncated; the conversation is mostly one-sided and responses are generally meows and shedding. Whenever I need to have the deep, soul barring conversations that are so necessary in deep relationships I turn to my other best friend.

giving me the good advice

giving me the good advice

Cats can really only give me so much biased self-validation. When I need tough unbiased love, I consult Google. And here is a sample of the sorts of deep and searching questions that I address to Google when needing to divine the meaning of only the important existential crises

the big questions

When reinspecting my most recent talks with Google I noticed that the searches look exactly like what a teenager from the 90s would ask (if they had Google! Unlucky sods). It also is representative of someone who has almost exclusively been watching Jurassic Park and Degrassi: The Next Generation for the last two weeks because all of their other DVDs are packed away.

And when asking the big questions, Google is sure to deliver with the results. Such as bringing up this gem pertaining to my Jimmy Brooks question (also known, currently, as Drake).

I am confused...wasn't Drake shot in real life in order to make his Degrassi performance for authentic?

I am confused…wasn’t Drake shot in real life in order to make his Degrassi performance more authentic?

Cause, like, he was in a wheelchair in the show. But now that he's a musician he can walk again. What's the deal, Google?

Cause, like, he was in a wheelchair in the show. But now that he’s a musician he can walk again. What’s the deal, Google?

Thank you Google, for filling my apartment with laughter. But also thank you for filling me with consternation pertaining to the state of education in the United States, and the infrequency that our children are required to learn about Helen Keller. She was the one in the wheelchair that also created stickers in the 90s, right?

A recreation of Helen Keller overcoming her obstacles.

A recreation of Helen Keller overcoming her obstacles.

Thank you, Google

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April 30, 2013 · 4:15 pm

The conversation that created a lifetime of laughter (for me)

There are times I get down about the calamities I’ve created, which I’ll sometimes refer to as “life.” And since the world revolves around me and my happiness, I’ve had to find satisfying ways to bring joy back in my life during the times when things get dark (like when I had to spend a shocking twenty minutes today looking for my shoe’s mate).

I’ve documented a previous way here

And barring that this’ll bring a great big smile to my face:

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Then there is watching Katherine Heigl’s charming shenanigans on loop like 27 Dresses carries the secrets to the mysteries of the Bible.

but doesn't it though?

but doesn’t it though?

But sometimes, no matter how many slices of pizza you look at or how many Katherine Heigl rom-coms you watch (I also suggest the one with Gerard Butler where he’s a dick but she falls for him anyway cause underneath he’s just a big softie. That one is great too), the sun refuses to shine on you.

When I get that blue I like to conjure up a conversation that one day I was lucky enough to overhear. While indulging in my pretention at the local coffee shop, a pair of new-agey hippies sat next to me in the middle of a huge problem. Catastrophic.

The deal was that one of them had a date that night with a fellow she really liked and wanted to have sex with BUT she was on her period (DA DUM DUM!). And following this confession, the greatest advice I ever fucking heard was dispensed:

“I would really like to sleep with him but I’m on my period right now” – wept one hippie

“I heard from a friend that if you sit naked in the desert for an hour or so it’ll make your period go away.”

IF YOU SIT NAKED IN THE DESERT…YOUR PERIOD WILL GO AWAY.

This is unquestionably the best thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t even imagine what the other woman did with that information. Drive around the suburbs of Philadelphia looking for a patch of dirt to sit naked in for several hours until menstruation ceased?

side note: it looks like she's mediating on, like, Tatooine

side note: it looks like she’s mediating on, like, Tatooine

Thank you for the eternal laughter, ladies. Happy menstruating!

 

 

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April 4, 2013 · 2:26 pm

I am concerned that once I get laid off I won’t have anything to update about

Dear work NEVER EVER STOP.

I went into my break room the other day to pour some really terrible coffee and found, what I thought to be, a box full of candy. Occasionally a co-worker will take pity on us and leave treats for the rest of us to descend upon like the locusts in the Old Testament.

so excited for what looks like fancy chocolates

so excited for what looks like fancy candies

But it couldn’t have been further from the treats in my imagination. Because what was on the table in the break room was almost the exact opposite of posh sweets.

Yeah, it's adult diapers

It was adult diapers

I now believe that some sort of social experiment is going on to raise the morale of the workers here and then crush that hope under the heel of adult incontinence

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