Category Archives: celebrities

Which mythical creature am I?

This is who I wanted to get, y’all. I feel so blessed
which mythical creature are you

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The Ricks

For the last several years when someone was talking about this person:

American rapper

American rapper

I thought they were talking about this person:

American record producer and former co-president of Columbia Records

American record producer and former co-president of Columbia Records

 

For the last several years I thought legendary record producer Rick Rubin changed his career and became a rapper that loved talking about weed.

the-more-you-know-o_zps8dd6cbdc

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Conversation topics with my dearest friend

Obviously my cats are my best friends. The only problem with that is their ability to communicate back is somewhat truncated; the conversation is mostly one-sided and responses are generally meows and shedding. Whenever I need to have the deep, soul barring conversations that are so necessary in deep relationships I turn to my other best friend.

giving me the good advice

giving me the good advice

Cats can really only give me so much biased self-validation. When I need tough unbiased love, I consult Google. And here is a sample of the sorts of deep and searching questions that I address to Google when needing to divine the meaning of only the important existential crises

the big questions

When reinspecting my most recent talks with Google I noticed that the searches look exactly like what a teenager from the 90s would ask (if they had Google! Unlucky sods). It also is representative of someone who has almost exclusively been watching Jurassic Park and Degrassi: The Next Generation for the last two weeks because all of their other DVDs are packed away.

And when asking the big questions, Google is sure to deliver with the results. Such as bringing up this gem pertaining to my Jimmy Brooks question (also known, currently, as Drake).

I am confused...wasn't Drake shot in real life in order to make his Degrassi performance for authentic?

I am confused…wasn’t Drake shot in real life in order to make his Degrassi performance more authentic?

Cause, like, he was in a wheelchair in the show. But now that he's a musician he can walk again. What's the deal, Google?

Cause, like, he was in a wheelchair in the show. But now that he’s a musician he can walk again. What’s the deal, Google?

Thank you Google, for filling my apartment with laughter. But also thank you for filling me with consternation pertaining to the state of education in the United States, and the infrequency that our children are required to learn about Helen Keller. She was the one in the wheelchair that also created stickers in the 90s, right?

A recreation of Helen Keller overcoming her obstacles.

A recreation of Helen Keller overcoming her obstacles.

Thank you, Google

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The conversation that created a lifetime of laughter (for me)

There are times I get down about the calamities I’ve created, which I’ll sometimes refer to as “life.” And since the world revolves around me and my happiness, I’ve had to find satisfying ways to bring joy back in my life during the times when things get dark (like when I had to spend a shocking twenty minutes today looking for my shoe’s mate).

I’ve documented a previous way here

And barring that this’ll bring a great big smile to my face:

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Then there is watching Katherine Heigl’s charming shenanigans on loop like 27 Dresses carries the secrets to the mysteries of the Bible.

but doesn't it though?

but doesn’t it though?

But sometimes, no matter how many slices of pizza you look at or how many Katherine Heigl rom-coms you watch (I also suggest the one with Gerard Butler where he’s a dick but she falls for him anyway cause underneath he’s just a big softie. That one is great too), the sun refuses to shine on you.

When I get that blue I like to conjure up a conversation that one day I was lucky enough to overhear. While indulging in my pretention at the local coffee shop, a pair of new-agey hippies sat next to me in the middle of a huge problem. Catastrophic.

The deal was that one of them had a date that night with a fellow she really liked and wanted to have sex with BUT she was on her period (DA DUM DUM!). And following this confession, the greatest advice I ever fucking heard was dispensed:

“I would really like to sleep with him but I’m on my period right now” – wept one hippie

“I heard from a friend that if you sit naked in the desert for an hour or so it’ll make your period go away.”

IF YOU SIT NAKED IN THE DESERT…YOUR PERIOD WILL GO AWAY.

This is unquestionably the best thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t even imagine what the other woman did with that information. Drive around the suburbs of Philadelphia looking for a patch of dirt to sit naked in for several hours until menstruation ceased?

side note: it looks like she's mediating on, like, Tatooine

side note: it looks like she’s mediating on, like, Tatooine

Thank you for the eternal laughter, ladies. Happy menstruating!

 

 

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Down Town Abbey (see what I did there?)

While at work I love to illegally stream television.

Downton Abbey is my favorite for a very specific reason (other than the giant hats) :

hilarious juxtapositions

Two things I love: William stumbling over speech and Asian women looking for love

Two things I love: William stumbling over speech and Asian women looking for love

But there was no such grandness that existed before this:

Dame Maggie Smith, how many sperms are swimming?

Dame Maggie Smith, how many sperms are swimming?

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Who is this person?!

I like to obsessively follow my own blog, because I am neurotically obsessed with myself.

This entails trying to figure out what draws people in terms of search words to this blog.

John Donne once said, “No man is an island.” And in regards to the over-share update on how I used to try and wank off to Moll Flanders I would like to ponder this question:
who is this person
WHO IS THIS PERSON?

They might be my soul mate.

Also, how funny are the other search terms?

 

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My loves – they’re droppin’ like flies

What the dip is going on? First Davy Jones and now Larry Hagman? I am distraught. Highly highly distraught.

My childhood crushes are now dropping like flies. This could be because most of my childhood crushes were either musicians or actors from the 60s, but I refuse to acknowledge the limitations of: death, aging, and the absence of time travel. Also, yes, for many years – including a two year reoccurrence in my early twenties – I had an extremely significant crush on Larry Hagman as Tony Nelson in I Dream of Jeannie.

Who wouldn’t?

Who wouldn’t?

There was something about that stern face and constant disapproval that I found extremely appealing, even at a young age. This might be the genesis of my attraction to emotionally unavailable men, but –damn- if Tony Nelson didn’t look smokin’ when he once again verbally expressed his outrage at Jeannie’s bullshit.

What kind of fucked up nonsense are you going to get me into today?

What kind of fucked up nonsense are you going to get me into today?

So it is with a heavy heart that I bid adieu to my childhood dreamboat, Tony Nelson. I will never be able to spend endless hours watching seasons 1 & 2 after a night of whiskey drinking and not think of your scowling hotness with both fondness and regret.

May you dream of Janie. In heaven.

May you dream of Janie. In heaven.

Also, this is a specific Tony Nelson love. I can’t abide by that JR bull.

Thanks for the memories

Thanks for the memories

 

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