Category Archives: Booze

So this is the week after Christmas, and what have you done?

Nothing.

Pretty much nothing.

The holiday season is when we allow an elderly man that lives as a recluse to break into our homes. I dare anyone to look at these two iterations of Santa and wonder who wouldn’t feel totally terrified of this man? So much red. Redrum.

the holiday horror.

the holiday horror show that are these depictions of Santa at the medical supply store near my old apartment. Make sure you’re healthy before Santa attacks you and forever haunts your nightmares.

It doesn’t help that every year that my friends and I get photographed with Santa he somehow finds a way to inappropriately touch me (see). Leading to this joyful Christmas joke:

Hilarious.

Hilarious.

Which is why it makes total sense that my beloved, and miserable, cat George decided that Christmas was the perfect time to die. He had no time for candy canes, or laughing babies, or the inappropriate sexual advances of Santa. “Fuck it,” he thought. “I’m just going to die instead.”

I feel ya, George

I feel ya, George

Though there are always bright spots, like this Vonnegut fan at the local Wawa giving all customers this Christmas miracle.

Is that the star that the Wise Men followed?

Is that the star that the Wise Men followed?

And of course there is also when your friend knows you so well that she makes you into a Christmas .gif depicting you as a cheerful Christmas elf that you so truly are. Or at least you drinking.

Drinking till the New Year.

Drinking till the New Year.

Glad that you’ve all survived the holiday season. I’ll see you in the New Year where we can start our plan to kill Santa.

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Filed under Booze, cats, friends, Holidays

Its guise is also its disguise

“Janie, how do you face life with such ebullient enthusiasm?” an imaginary person that I created for this scenario once asked me.

“Well, imaginary friend, I think the most important thing about life is approaching the day to day mundanities with jolliness and good cheer so you can see the sanctity that exists in every single moment,” I responded beatifically.

But I guess I could have just cut to the real meat of that sentence by showing the imaginary friend my beverage that I bring throughout the streets of Philadelphia:

this is an option on their secret menu

this is an option on their secret menu

Dunkin Donuts cups always hide the secret terror within

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Happy end of 2013

I know how I'll be spending it

I know how I’ll be spending it

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Filed under Booze, cats, doodles, Holidays, wine

Ask and you shall receive

An answer to the eternal question:
coffee cup

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Filed under Booze, doodles, food

Another day, yet also another year of writing You Life

I am an old person today. And to remind me where my priorities have laid for the last many years, my best friend emailed me to remind me about friendship and love:

Ahh yes, it's you my old friend

Ahh yes, it’s you my old friend

And again, see you later on tonight Jack Daniel’s.

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Filed under birthday, Booze, Holidays

One pan to rule them all. And in my apartment fry them.

I only own one kitchen appliance. It’s a skillet. It’s made of iron. It’s so large that it could cook me.

leg of lady is on the menu when I'm cookin', Jack.

leg of lady is on the menu when I’m cookin’, Jack.

The only reason I haven’t thrown it away is because I am sure it could double as a weapon.

But on a rare occasion when my supper isn’t cold pizza with several Yuenglings and a couple ounces of hot sauce, I’ve been known to try and cook rice in that sucker.

But I was steaming the rice with an old VHS organizer

But I was steaming the rice with an old VHS organizer

The end of the rice story is that the faux-wood ended up peeling off into the rice and the chemicals mixed with the grains to create a cloud in my kitchen that might have been a noxious and poisonous gas.

But at the end of the day I can still use that skillet to ward off intruders.

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Filed under Booze, cooking, food, horrifying, science! technology!

How do you express your feelings?

Have you ever had the feelings for someone? Me too!

I am pretty shy at expressing my emotions, so I found the best way to share how I feel with that certain someone is to send a handmade postcard.

Like this one that I mailed to that special person recently:

nothing like drawing that person an adorable kitty

nothing like drawing that person an adorable kitty

to let them know how you really feel.

to let them know how you really feel.

Which, in this case, is disgust and disdain.

It’s the You Life version of Hallmark, always sending the very best. Also, cats.

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Filed under Booze, cats, doodles, romance