Category Archives: movies

Imagine what your life would look like

My job is insane, and it’s also filled with bureaucratic cost-cutters who like to ensure that their clients get as little quality out of their purchase as humanly possible. And that includes stock images that would make infant Jesus cry blood.

For example, when asked to re-edit a site I noticed that it included this image (for a website about air filtration systems):

 

what-are-these-people

That woman looks like she’s so repulsed by this man that she might puke on him.

What the fuck are these people? They don’t even look like real people. They look like something out of AI but maybe a low-budget first attempt at it where the sex robots cuddle with one another in order to briefly escape their metal-indentured-servitude while wearing shitty clothes on a floor in an adobe. What’s going on with that cabinet behind them? Is it blocking an exit? Is it filled with logs? This all looks like the cover of the Sweet Valley High where Elizabeth gets kidnapped from her job as a candy stripper at the hospital by that unstable guy who feeds her pancakes. Liz? Is that you up there?

Dude, the itchy blanket isn’t even covering his lap entirely. I see his jeans. And, like, he looks vaguely threatening, right? He looks like he’s pulling her closely to him in order to whisper to her his sweet-nothing fantasies about jerking off to Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto 

Okay, I can’t do better than a tug off to Apocalypto so enjoy the above.

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Filed under movies, romance, wine

(white) Gods of Egypt

I heard Gods of Egypt bombed at the theaters, which is a pleasure and a joy to hear. I think that imagining Egypt as a land ruled by almost exclusively white Gods is maybe the funniest thing I’ve heard of in a really long fucking time. It begs the eternal question: have Egyptians always worshiped Gerard Butler?

gerard butler

Right?

I can’t imagine why this movie did so horrendously in the theaters. Could it be because it stars mostly blinding white actors in a movie that takes place in Egypt? Which is in Africa? I mean…that doesn’t make sense. Who WOULDN’T want to see another revisionist fantasy starring Gerard Butler and Geoffrey Rush?

Maybe it’s the movie’s film posters?

gerard butler

In every single poster for this movie “Egypt” looks to be on fire

To help the film’s cause I created some alternate posters for them to use. I hope this helps balance out the whooping disparity on how much this film has made so far versus how much it cost to make it:

look at this blah blah blah

LOOK AT THIS EGYPT LAND

and:

who even cares

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Filed under movies, Uncategorized

I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see them dancin’

A few years ago I was on the phone with my mom and was telling her about my weekend plans and she responded with this direct (and haunting) quote:

You’ve got your cats and your knitting…sounds like you’re really clickin’ your heels over there in Philadelphia.

So…I tried to brush that off, but upon some re-inspection I might have to reevaluate all of my life choices, and drink a bottle [box] of wine, and cry while shout-singing “Part of Your World” to my feline companions.

Friday night. Just got paid. My cat found my knitting

Friday night. Just got paid. My cat found my knitting

...like, it's not a GREAT feeling when even your cat kind of disrespects you

…like, it’s not a GREAT feeling when even your cat kind of disrespects you


I’m ready to know what the people know!!!!!!

 

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Filed under Animals, cats, crafts, movies, music, Philadelphia, wine

A very special Jurassic Snark with Corey Albertson

What's the point of a tomorrow when John Hammond can't be here today?

What’s the point of a tomorrow when John Hammond can’t be here today?

Jurassic Snark will never be the same. Rest in Peace, Richard Attenborough, and like you said in your infinite wisdom: All major theme parks have delays

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Filed under Animals, doodles, movies

Second is Too Far

Such an incredible fan fiction I can scarcely believe exists. Thanks to Caroline for contributing, Joanna for voicing, and Liz for art work so amazing that it even includes the script. Bravo, ladies! Sisters are doin’ it for themselves!


part 1
part 2

Bios!
Caroline
has been keeping herself very busy as an actress, improviser, teacher and Karaoke enthusiast for the past 4 years. When she isn’t working you can find her performing with Philly’s longest running comedy show : Comedy Sportz, or the musical stylings of Interrobang. Visit her website www.carolinerhoads.com for more info.
Joanna has the voice of a goddess and you’ll hear her dulcet tones throughout the wonderful city of Philadelphia. She and her husband were once on a talk show and that’s pretty cool.
Elizabeth Bergland is a Philadelphia artist, Star Trek enthusiast, Reed graduate, and breaker of hearts. She makes sock monsters along with art work, and when her Etsy pages are updated you can find more information about commissions there – You Life will keep you in the loop.   

 

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Filed under art, comics, fan fiction, friends, hilarious, literature, movies

You Life: An Unexpected Journey

My GPS is confused about where I live, but in between work and home I’ve ended up in Middle Earth

the shire

In a way it sort of makes sense because I’ve always coveted those underground homes. And I am quite short.

And my feet DO look like this.

And my feet DO look like this.

 

Join me in my new home in the Shire. I’ll be engaging in my three favorite hobbies: eating, smoking, and kissing up on Frodo.

 

 

 

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Filed under doodles, literature, movies

What’s a droid?

Based upon a debate with my friends on what character in Star Wars we would be, it became more and more obvious that we wouldn’t be any of the exciting big name characters .

We’d be more like this:

we wouldn't have made it past "A New Hope."

we wouldn’t have made it past “A New Hope.”

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Filed under doodles, friends, movies, robots, science! technology!

Who to turn to when the zombies attack?

There is a religion that I was unaware was so hip to zombies.

But Mormons evidently have the inside scoop to zombie-ism

Were they bitten, and then died, but then came back? Cause I have an answer

Were they bitten, and then died, but then came back? Cause I have an answer

According to particular film and book canons, they absolutely can live again under certain mystical (or sometimes bio-terrorist) circumstances.  Can I answer?

Oh shit! I can answer like a middle school girl with a crush on the popular kid!

Oh shit! I can answer like a middle school girl with a crush on the popular kid!

I’ve seen Romero films. I know the score.
zombies part 3

Thank you! I feel much better prepared for the coming apocalypse with this pamphlet. When the dead rise to eat our brains I’ll be ready to rumble.

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Filed under literature, movies, zombies

The conversation that created a lifetime of laughter (for me)

There are times I get down about the calamities I’ve created, which I’ll sometimes refer to as “life.” And since the world revolves around me and my happiness, I’ve had to find satisfying ways to bring joy back in my life during the times when things get dark (like when I had to spend a shocking twenty minutes today looking for my shoe’s mate).

I’ve documented a previous way here

And barring that this’ll bring a great big smile to my face:

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Then there is watching Katherine Heigl’s charming shenanigans on loop like 27 Dresses carries the secrets to the mysteries of the Bible.

but doesn't it though?

but doesn’t it though?

But sometimes, no matter how many slices of pizza you look at or how many Katherine Heigl rom-coms you watch (I also suggest the one with Gerard Butler where he’s a dick but she falls for him anyway cause underneath he’s just a big softie. That one is great too), the sun refuses to shine on you.

When I get that blue I like to conjure up a conversation that one day I was lucky enough to overhear. While indulging in my pretention at the local coffee shop, a pair of new-agey hippies sat next to me in the middle of a huge problem. Catastrophic.

The deal was that one of them had a date that night with a fellow she really liked and wanted to have sex with BUT she was on her period (DA DUM DUM!). And following this confession, the greatest advice I ever fucking heard was dispensed:

“I would really like to sleep with him but I’m on my period right now” – wept one hippie

“I heard from a friend that if you sit naked in the desert for an hour or so it’ll make your period go away.”

IF YOU SIT NAKED IN THE DESERT…YOUR PERIOD WILL GO AWAY.

This is unquestionably the best thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t even imagine what the other woman did with that information. Drive around the suburbs of Philadelphia looking for a patch of dirt to sit naked in for several hours until menstruation ceased?

side note: it looks like she's mediating on, like, Tatooine

side note: it looks like she’s mediating on, like, Tatooine

Thank you for the eternal laughter, ladies. Happy menstruating!

 

 

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Filed under celebrities, doodles, hilarious, horrifying, movies, Philadelphia

How to make the most delicious chicken wings ever

My friends and I had been hearing only the best things about this Korean restaurant in Northeast Philadelphia. It seemed like we couldn’t walk ten paces without someone enthusiastically telling us to go to this place and get the fried chicken wings. GET THE CHICKEN WINGS.

So we went and amidst great confusion got the wings. It might not seem a great trial to order fried chicken wings (for a normal person’s life). But this might clarify why we ordered with shaky voices, “the chicken wings?” (waitstaff love nothing more than when you phrase your food order as a question):

That's the menu. Is the hot lady a meal option? She's both "sweet AND hot."

That’s the menu. Is the hot lady a meal option? She’s both “sweet AND hot.”

The wings were mother fucking delicious. Because the wings might be people. And, dammit, people wings are fucking delightful.

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Filed under food, movies, Philadelphia