Category Archives: movies

Who to turn to when the zombies attack?

There is a religion that I was unaware was so hip to zombies.

But Mormons evidently have the inside scoop to zombie-ism

Were they bitten, and then died, but then came back? Cause I have an answer

Were they bitten, and then died, but then came back? Cause I have an answer

According to particular film and book canons, they absolutely can live again under certain mystical (or sometimes bio-terrorist) circumstances.  Can I answer?

Oh shit! I can answer like a middle school girl with a crush on the popular kid!

Oh shit! I can answer like a middle school girl with a crush on the popular kid!

I’ve seen Romero films. I know the score.
zombies part 3

Thank you! I feel much better prepared for the coming apocalypse with this pamphlet. When the dead rise to eat our brains I’ll be ready to rumble.

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Filed under literature, movies, zombies

The conversation that created a lifetime of laughter (for me)

There are times I get down about the calamities I’ve created, which I’ll sometimes refer to as “life.” And since the world revolves around me and my happiness, I’ve had to find satisfying ways to bring joy back in my life during the times when things get dark (like when I had to spend a shocking twenty minutes today looking for my shoe’s mate).

I’ve documented a previous way here

And barring that this’ll bring a great big smile to my face:

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption

Then there is watching Katherine Heigl’s charming shenanigans on loop like 27 Dresses carries the secrets to the mysteries of the Bible.

but doesn't it though?

but doesn’t it though?

But sometimes, no matter how many slices of pizza you look at or how many Katherine Heigl rom-coms you watch (I also suggest the one with Gerard Butler where he’s a dick but she falls for him anyway cause underneath he’s just a big softie. That one is great too), the sun refuses to shine on you.

When I get that blue I like to conjure up a conversation that one day I was lucky enough to overhear. While indulging in my pretention at the local coffee shop, a pair of new-agey hippies sat next to me in the middle of a huge problem. Catastrophic.

The deal was that one of them had a date that night with a fellow she really liked and wanted to have sex with BUT she was on her period (DA DUM DUM!). And following this confession, the greatest advice I ever fucking heard was dispensed:

“I would really like to sleep with him but I’m on my period right now” – wept one hippie

“I heard from a friend that if you sit naked in the desert for an hour or so it’ll make your period go away.”

IF YOU SIT NAKED IN THE DESERT…YOUR PERIOD WILL GO AWAY.

This is unquestionably the best thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t even imagine what the other woman did with that information. Drive around the suburbs of Philadelphia looking for a patch of dirt to sit naked in for several hours until menstruation ceased?

side note: it looks like she's mediating on, like, Tatooine

side note: it looks like she’s mediating on, like, Tatooine

Thank you for the eternal laughter, ladies. Happy menstruating!

 

 

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Filed under celebrities, doodles, hilarious, horrifying, movies, Philadelphia

How to make the most delicious chicken wings ever

My friends and I had been hearing only the best things about this Korean restaurant in Northeast Philadelphia. It seemed like we couldn’t walk ten paces without someone enthusiastically telling us to go to this place and get the fried chicken wings. GET THE CHICKEN WINGS.

So we went and amidst great confusion got the wings. It might not seem a great trial to order fried chicken wings (for a normal person’s life). But this might clarify why we ordered with shaky voices, “the chicken wings?” (waitstaff love nothing more than when you phrase your food order as a question):

That's the menu. Is the hot lady a meal option? She's both "sweet AND hot."

That’s the menu. Is the hot lady a meal option? She’s both “sweet AND hot.”

The wings were mother fucking delicious. Because the wings might be people. And, dammit, people wings are fucking delightful.

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Filed under food, movies, Philadelphia

What flu shot?

I look more like a consumptive child than usual today.

It’s always bad when my bangs are pulled back

Here is a brief email exchange as to why my eyes are larger than normal and I’m dressed like Small Wonder (nah, I just like dressing like Small Wonder).

> —–Original Message—–

> From: Janie
> Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 12:34 PM
To: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?

Fever – check, swollen tonsils – check, achy – check,
freezing – check

Today I was supposed to get the flu shot – I love the irony.  I feel like I am going to cry/die

And hurled the gifting of some French fries by a coworker in the middle of writing this.

Whine

Yes – read correctly, I got the flu on the day I was supposed to get the flu shot.

— On Thu, 11/15/12, Zachary  wrote
From: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Janie”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:18 PM

I hope you feel better.  I’m pretty sure Tundy is a doctor, so confer with him forthwith

To whom is he referencing?

Only paging Dr. Liono – that’s all

From: Janie
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Zachary”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:25 PM

Poor shirt storm! I have listened to Joanna Newsom on loop and loop and felt so sorry for myself and melancholy and sick that I went into the bathroom and wept for my own self pity. As it turns out I am the worst sick person in the world, certainly the most over dramatic.

Peach, Plum, Pear is also quite sad.

And truthfully, the National didn’t help either.

But then again I also cried listening to Mighty Ducks III, which I have spelled Mighty Fucks so many times today I lost count.

But on further inspection….

My Adam Banks…how you’ve grown….

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Filed under Animals, cats, cranky, letters, movies, work

Hurricane Sandy and lotsa fuckin’ candy


Oh hey! There was hurricane throughout the East Coast from Sunday to Tuesday of last week. Did you hear about this? Gotta tell you, I ignored every single news report of it because my evil Canadian overlord (see: my job) almost assuredly wouldn’t close. I prepared for the hurricane as the best little You Life I could be. I went to the dollar store and got the essentials:

cat food – look at how fucking terrified that cat is, also 30% protein? Amazing. Cat litter – for cartoon animals

And diet coke.

Sunday night I was lounging when I got a call that indicated that the East Coast was going to fall into the ocean: my office was closed. Perhaps I should have purchased a candle? Nope – let the rains come.

The beginning of the hurricane stay-vaction

On Monday I woke up to a gray sky, but nothing that indicated to me that the gods’ were wrathful. After waking up, going back to sleep, waking up again, and then trying to make a cup of coffee from an espresso machine that I forgot I stole from a cunty ex-roommate I was up. Starving. Bored.

So I assessed the following two things: the secret reserves in the apartment

This is for the end times. The secret storage of candy, syrup, and strawberry fluff

And how it looked outside:

Let’s be frank. There is only so much reading, movie watching, hobby-doing, and masturbating that a person can do in one day. At around two I had enough. I left the apartment to walk to get food. Nothing was open. So then, I did what any adult would do.

I went to see how terrifying the playground was during the hurricane

Shortly after going on the swings a police officer drove by and gave me a very stern tongue lashing pertaining to the idiocy of wandering around during a storm.

Returned home.

Sent this text message to my best friend after the lights started flickering:

“I better not have to wank off by candle light” (it would be like jerking off during Little House of the Prairie times. I want to crank it with all of the modern amenities).

Hunger took over. So I did what I needed to do…

I defrosted the chocolate bunnies from Easter, seven months earlier, and covered them in Cupcake magic shell for dinner

Sadness. Utter sadness.

Finally a friend without power came over with the barest of cooking supplies (defrosted chicken thighs, a mini pan, rice, and rum). Seeing as how I don’t own any of the following: cooking oil, a pot, utensils, or a pan it was going to be a trial to cook both the chicken and rice. But, since I am a bit of a fucking wizard I made an entire meal using the smallest frying pan known to man and an iron skillet that was so large that it could have cooked me. I steamed the rice in the skillet with a pizza box. INDUSTRIOUSNESS.

While cooking this a Queen song played in the background. What is covering the bitty frying pan? A metal pizza “stone” …rust side up.

Tuesday:

Tried to sleep in. With great success

Played SNES for hours

In the battle for Kirby dominance I told Happy Brother Senior to eat an entire bag of dicks and finished the victor.

And then it all de-evolved after the second entire day without leaving the apartment. It de-evolved into me creating this “mojito” mix that I think was a code for rat poison. It called to fill a plastic bucket with warm water, this neon green powder, and rum. Later on that day I could be found amongst the piles of VHS tapes in my apartment, eating the slushy poison out of a bucket, dancing to the last song from the credits in Legend.

No seriously, Tangerine Dream is fucking out of this world amazing.

And that is how I survived.

Because I was fine. And my love was strong enough.

Hearts, and flowers, and posi vibes to those not as ridiculously fortunate as me.

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Filed under apartment, Booze, cooking, food, friends, movies, music, Philadelphia, work

Enter the psyche of my cats: Part III (yup, now there is a part three)

Have you ever met someone so crazy and obsessive about things that you aren’t entirely sure that they haven’t escaped a mental hospital? They say yes to everything? They’re enthusiasm is terrifying?

they are not so secretly obsessed with trying to become a member of the Loving Spoonful?

 

I never want to miss out on an opportunity to say “yes,” additionally I was always obsessed with the movie Rock-A-Doodle. After watching the most brilliant of Don Bleuth movies I knew I had wanted a pet that looked just like Chanticleer the rooster.

Who the hell wouldn’t?

But I didn’t actually want a rooster. What was the second best option? No, not a pet chicken…This is when my obsession with naked cats began, because they look like store-bought uncooked chickens. So, when a friend was moving and needed to find his Sphinx cat a home,  I said yes.  Instantly. I now have a new cat.  She looks a cross between a scrotum, an uncooked chicken, ET, and a raptor.

clever girl…

 

She reminds me of Easy Mac and feels like a warm peach.

Currently she is reigning terror on the Orange and White Boys ™
 

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Filed under Animals, cats, movies