Here are a series of texts with humorous confessions, and a poll at the end.
It’s the best day of the year for me.
In consideration of this celebration, I’ve compiled several resources to help you and your feline friend get the most out of your day:
Pretty much nothing.
The holiday season is when we allow an elderly man that lives as a recluse to break into our homes. I dare anyone to look at these two iterations of Santa and wonder who wouldn’t feel totally terrified of this man? So much red. Redrum.
It doesn’t help that every year that my friends and I get photographed with Santa he somehow finds a way to inappropriately touch me (see). Leading to this joyful Christmas joke:
Which is why it makes total sense that my beloved, and miserable, cat George decided that Christmas was the perfect time to die. He had no time for candy canes, or laughing babies, or the inappropriate sexual advances of Santa. “Fuck it,” he thought. “I’m just going to die instead.”
Though there are always bright spots, like this Vonnegut fan at the local Wawa giving all customers this Christmas miracle.
And of course there is also when your friend knows you so well that she makes you into a Christmas .gif depicting you as a cheerful Christmas elf that you so truly are. Or at least you drinking.
Glad that you’ve all survived the holiday season. I’ll see you in the New Year where we can start our plan to kill Santa.
The mighty Liono’s history is a mysterious one. And part of that mystery is how a former farm cat came into such wimpy vocal chords.
Behold the mighty and mightily pathetic roar of a imploring feline desperate to make friends with the maintenance man outside:
There are few things better than when Ma$e and Puffy used to collaborate in shiny suits. But much like them, “can’t nobody hold me down,” especially in relation to the good things in life.
But my latest creation is better than Ma$e and Puff. It’s better than everything.
I don’t know if good things existed before this. Good things didn’t exist before this
A few years ago I was on the phone with my mom and was telling her about my weekend plans and she responded with this direct (and haunting) quote:
You’ve got your cats and your knitting…sounds like you’re really clickin’ your heels over there in Philadelphia.
So…I tried to brush that off, but upon some re-inspection I might have to reevaluate all of my life choices, and drink a bottle [box] of wine, and cry while shout-singing “Part of Your World” to my feline companions.
I’m ready to know what the people know!!!!!!
As much as I’d love to hear about your Mike and the Mechanics like relationship with your father, I’d prefer to just put on “In the Living Years,” if I wanted to hear about your childhood. Less you. More cats.