Category Archives: my prerogative

Games for the lackluster depressive – and other computers for humans

All of my favorite games are ones available as free demos on PCs from the early to mid 90s. Like, if my parents truly loved me and bought me a version of Dinosaur Tycoon circa 1993 – the game available at the computer lab in my grammar school – that would probably reign supreme as most favorite game, but they didn’t. (to be fair [TBF] my dad did buy me a copy of Mortal Kombat 3 for the PC, which I was obsessed with but never totally got a solid grasp on the combat codes for the keyboard which means I could just kind of wander around the screen as Sonya Blade – who I still have a crush on. Like…a big crush on).
I digress.

Hold on – I found an image of the aforementioned dinosaur game, which I guess was actually called DinoPark Tycoon and now my childhood memories are in a tailspin because 1. I never got the name right, which means that I NEVER spelled it right when requesting it on my Christmas lists and 2. I really wanna play this jawn now.


Okay, back to my main point, I really love/d demo games for the PC. I dominated the demo games. I attribute that domination to months of boredom and a lack of shame for not realizing that to land safely in the first frame of Prince of Persia you had to dangle from the fucking lip of the pit to get onto the concrete below instead of just hurtling oneself down time and time and time again until accidentally your little prince dangles and you drop safely.

You don’t even want to KNOW how long figuring out the spike situation took me.

I actually know nothing about the rest of that ^ game, because my family never advanced beyond free demos during the early days of computers. And because of that I always thought that computer games ended in a black screen with me winning because you could no longer advance.

Like…I thought Prince of Persia was done once you defeated the very first boss, and to get to that boss it took me well over a year.

There were other iterations of demo games in the early to mids: frogger, and…something else, I don’t remember.

But time goes on, and eventually my family came to embrace the PC games of the day: Myst, Where in the World (or USA) is Carmen San Diego?, the aforementioned Mortal Kombat 3. And then demo games just ended up living fondly in my memory.


Until I got an Acer laptop circa 2009, and bless that sweet marvelous. It came with hella demo games.

There was an Agatha Christie-like mystery game
And numerous puzzle games
A first person shooter game
Something having to do with making cakes

A cornucopia of games. I felt like Don Draper getting to choose from my pick of honeys.

JK. I never feel like Don Draper, I’m just watching Mad Men while I write this.

But the shitty thing about these demos is that once you finished the demo’ed version once, you could never play it again unless you purchase said game. And since this computer is ancient by modern computer standards, these games are essentially just dust in the machine.

What. The. Horsey. Sauce.


It’s been years since I scrolled through the archives of the Acer demo games, only to find one, recently, that I never played.

So I started to play it. Only to discover (pretty quickly) that maybe this game was a little less magical than one would hope for in a diversion. As it had such exciting options as:
* seeing your crop turn to ash during a brutal winter
* bargaining with your neighbor for scant food supplies
* trying to barter with a town market to take the yield from your crops and having to settle for less than what they’re worth
* and such real life excitement, as:
photo (1)

So just as quickly, I stopped playing this game because the above co-pay is even more expensive than my actual one.

I’ll tell you what, Health Care Depression (or whatever this game is called) is way less fun than trying to jump over spikes for six months only to find some dude with a sword waiting for you once you finally figure it out. Particularly, when I have to ask myself eerie questions, like: “do I have enough money to satisfy this medical appointment?” (I didn’t).

So, I downloaded this ol’ jawner today instead of continuing with the evil demo reflection of, these, our miserable modern times.

Especially, when I can finally re-play a game where certain blocks of cement open up cage partitions instead.

Fuck a spike death.


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Filed under games, my prerogative, science! technology!

Working on my brand

I guess that’s a phrase that teenagers and social media savvy adults say. And, presumably, your brand is sort of like your online identity that is superior to your real identity and you can use that brand to sell shit to people who think you’re actually a real human. That’s it, right?

Anyway, as it turns out, without having actually worked on it I already have a brand. And unintentionally I’ve been developing it continuously and recklessly for, like, my whole adult life.

For example:
on brand - you life.JPG

My phone is so cracked that I can barely see anything on it. It’s like a little deconstructionist phone.

And the photo that potentially exemplifies me as a person the most:
you life brand

In case you were wondering – that’s my diploma being used as a coaster for my Mickey’s. Also…my coffee table. Complete with a coffee cup filled with the crust of coffee from I don’t actually know how long ago.

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Filed under apartment, art, my prerogative

[Poll] Which joke do I go with?

While on the field for my job (my highly important job that I love, not at this place that keeps rejecting me from a job I didn’t want), I was waiting for the bus (because I don’t know how to drive) and saw this:


Nature is both surprising and awe-inspiring

And my bitter snarky mind immediately wanted to send joking text messages to the five people that will entertain my shenanigans.


Please help:


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Filed under gardening, going green, literature, my prerogative, Philadelphia, public transportation, work

Fuck those judgmental numbered lists (you know the ones)

double bird
The Internet is a fantastic place to be reminded how horribly shit you’re doing in life. From the scads of personal achievement lifestyle blogs, to the endless Pinterest boards full of crafts that you’ll never ever actually do – it’s a daily reminder that whatever successes you’ve seen while you go around the sun are never good enough.
homer eff
Nothing is a stronger reminder of your personal failures than the scores of numbered lists reminding you that your high school guidance counselor was right: you’ll never live up to your potential.
dissapoint gif
Like this right here ensuring that no matter what milestone you’re proud of, you should truly feel like a loser if you can’t tick off these from their condescending advice. I have a massive amount of tattoos, so I’m totally boned.
photo (7)
How about this insane list that suggests by the time you’re twenty-five you should be done experimenting with your hair cuts? And God motherfucking forbid you have a bad one night stand after twenty-five! You should be able to determine before you have sex with a person that you’re either going to stay with them forever, or use your magical brain powers to determine that they’ll be a jaguar in the sac.
lucille eyeroll
Or what about this mess of an eye-roll clickbait piece that made me want to stab my brain’s frontal cortex? This one says that by the time you’re thirty you should have learned when to love and when to walk away – like the relationship version of Kenny Roger’s “The Gambler.”
I honestly hate read these two pieces of absolute bullshit which said that women in their thirties can’t own or wear the following: band posters, beat up sneakers, personal game systems, fuckin’ HAMSTERS, blue eye shadow, leopard print, and oversized glasses.
pac eff

I made it halfway through a list about things that people in their thirties shouldn’t do anymore, but spat at my computer screen after reading something about waiting to take the trash out. Honestly?

So I made an alternate list, it has numbers alongside so you know it’s legitimate. It’s a numbered list of all of the reasons those other lists are such bullshit.

  • 36. Those lists exist as nothing more than clickbait, which I am sure is obvious. But having worked writing web content I can confidently say that bulleted and numbered lists are the easiest way to finish an assignment without having to expend energy on fully recognized ideas. Numbered lists are easy to read, send an immediate message, and – more importantly for the copywriter – easy to write. Add a flashy title along with a halfcocked idea, and all of the sudden our shitty article is getting re-posted everywhere. Also, add gifs
  • 45. They almost universally exclude the existence of class, intersexuality, people who are disabled, the trans community, and PoC. These articles come from such a point of hilarious privilege (THROW AWAY YOUR SHITTY OLD SNEAKERS, YOU SCUMBAG) that they’re basically the definition of microaggressions. I’ve never read a single one where it doesn’t read like it is coming from a single, straight, white, middleclass person.   Additionally, they are so antithetical in regards to even basic feminism, or the existence thereof, that one of those jammers actually said that by the time you’re twenty-five you shouldn’t have a pregnancy scare. What the fuck? Seriously?
    prince shade
  • 13. They pit people against each other and make you feel bad about yourself. There is already plenty of competition, unnecessary flaming, and animosity on the Internet that the proliferation of MORE shit that makes you feel like you’re unsuccessful is completely unnecessary. Reddit, exists you guys, let’s pack it up.
  • 6. Lets just all admit that they’re terribly written.
    writing gif
  • 26. They are completely arbitrary.
  • 86. You don’t need a nameless mergatroid on the Internet determining what does and doesn’t make a successful life, no matter what your age is. You just don’t. You’ve got this life shit figured out. A list on the Internet knows nothing about you: what you like, the things you’ve overcome, how good a friend you are, how good a person you are, that you make the dankest cupcakes in the apartment complex, that you just adopted a pet in need, or that you taught your kid not to be an asshole.  You have life figured out even if you enjoy clubbing at forty-five and still have “flatmates” when you’re sixty.
    boss beyonce

Here is my list of suggestions. But I’m not going to number them.

Wear whatever you want. However old you are. No matter what. No one should tell you what to wear, no matter your age, race, class, abilities, or gender. You like wearing sparkly butterfly clips in your hair? Dope. Yesterday I wore a torn-up tutu over an Adventure Time bathing suit to the bar. I’m thirty now and I’ll wear that till I’m one hundred and thirty.
photo (8)

Celebrate whatever milestone actually makes you happy. When I was sixteen my best friend and I decided it was Happy Lisa Frank Day. We poured glitter over our face and hair, and stuck Lisa Frank stickers on lockers and handed them out to students and teachers. It was one of the greatest days of my life.  My best friend and I got faux married when we were twenty-three. There was a professional photographer and vows written on the back of Wawa receipts. I’ll cherish that day until I’m dust. Both of those days were days of great achievement for me. But neither are on any list that I can think of.

Eat what makes you feel good. Today I ate pasta, pizza, and candy. I’m going to drink mad beer tonight because it was a hard day at work. I’ll probably have a hangover tomorrow. But I’ll still go to work and do my job. The only person that gets to tell you what you should eat, drink, and indulge in is you. If drinking Mountain Dew and eating Funions is your thing? Enjoy. Want to eat only kale and corn chips? God bless.

Do you. Or don’t, whatever you want. The other day while talking to my mom on the phone she said the following, “Every person is a genius these days. So who cares? Everyone should just do what they want.” Straight from the funniest person I know. You’re a genius. My mom just said. Don’t listen to shitty lists telling you that you should wear this, have accomplished that, or that you need to change your you. You’re a genius. Fuck those lists.
you got this
(All gifs other than the ones of my face and friends are owned and credited to their makers. I did not create them, they’re just boss). 

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Filed under my prerogative