Tag Archives: chili

Halloween haunting, the You Life edition

Since funemployment, I recently moved out of the delightful shitbox that I formerly called, “home.” It was a hard readjustment and a tearful farewell to all of the things I had gotten so used to: no heat, questionable fire safety, a garbage fridge. But, I have new things to look forward to now. One of these things I was affectionately referring to as “homeless’ing,” where I would delight in staying on friends’ couches.

Since I am the luckiest of ladies, two of my friends granted me a headquarters where I might unpack my cat knickknacks on a less transient basis.

But just like bad credit and scabies follows a person, I have a very special spectral visitor.

What's that?!

What’s that?!

No. It can’t be. There is no possible way that this can what I think it is. Because what I think it is a misplaced crock pot filled with poisonous old food. I remember something like this; something dark, and evil, and filled with some sort of chili…

No!

No!

My trash-fridge is my own personal version of a Stephen King novel. Because upon closer inspection it seems like trash-fridge chili is following me. Haunting me…

Oh come on

Oh come on

I might have created a sentient being in trash-fridge. And I feel like I’m not paranoid in saying that the ghost of it is trying to murder me. IT’S THE CHILI OF THE UNDEAD!

Happy Halloween, all!

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Filed under apartment, cooking, food, Holidays, horrifying, science! technology!, zombies

Easy mac’in

I find cooking for the workplace to be one of the most difficult tasks of the week: more difficult than getting out of bed or dressing myself. It is even more difficult than showering without a shower curtain.

So how can one create a meal for the work day? Easy! Along with my ability to negotiate loan re-payment plans, I am something of a culinary genius when it comes to crafting the perfect meal for a busy work week.

Here are my tips:

Step 1: Press the snooze button on the alarm five to ten times. Given that the snooze lasts for five minutes, that means you could potentially over-sleep anywhere between 25 minutes to an hour late. You have sacrificed getting up early and making a meal in order to be well rested. Good for you.

Step 2: Get into work.

Step 3: Be overcome with hunger around noon. Stagger to the machines in the lunch room. These machines, which I suspect have become sentient, spin and display a veritable feast of simulated food. If one was hoping to eat a simulation of a beef burrito, then this machine would be the place to go

Step 4: Give machine a ridiculous amount of money.

Step 5: Take meal, in this case Hormel’s instant chili mac’ n’ cheese, and microwave it until it becomes a bubbling volcano of a lunch item.
Hmmm...so close to looking like good

Step 6: While mystery lunch meat with macaroni (no cheese to be found) is microwaving, go to other vending machine.

Step 7: Get Fritos®
A snack so mighty it instills me with faith

Step 8: Take “food” back to desk. Open bag of Fritos® dump them on top of the chili.

Step 9: Eat with a spoon, like a shovel piling empty calories and sadness into your mouth.

Step 10: Give up on yourself.

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