Monthly Archives: June 2012

June 29, 2012 · 6:23 pm

Official – the robots are self-aware

I’ve always suspected that earth was mere moments away from the robots becoming self-aware. There are suspicious “vending” machines at my job, which I believe might be agents of robot destruction just awaiting the robot apocalypse.  Since I live in fear of the work vending machines and the coming carnage, I’ve attempted to become friends with the robots (or alien robots? Maybe a Transformer sorta thing going on here?) and be their vessel once they are sentient.

And the day is nigh. Because when I woke up this morning this was on me:

Hm? What the fuck is that on me?

Generally, outside of my many tattoos I don’t put any stickers on my person unless they are of the Lisa Frank variety

Recognize greatness, bitches!

This is not Lisa Frank. The above sticker is something all together UNLIKE Lisa Frank.

That is a QUALITY ASSURANCE sticker. The robots have assured that I am quality. Also, note the empty toilet paper holder – I am always too lazy to put the actual roll in there.

Well I passed the robot quality assurance test: I’ve passed their first round.

Which can only mean that the day of the robot takeover is closer. I am a-okay in their book but you should probably start sucking up to your own vending machines

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June 27, 2012 · 3:19 pm

Piss poor pandas

My love for you infuriates me!

Anyone who knows me has heard my undying hatred for pandas. I think they are the most passive aggressive animals that ever existed; I am entirely confused as to why we don’t let these little bastards just throw themselves, and their beary girth, into extinction.

I liked drawing an angry panda because I feel as though that’s what pandas are like under their placid demeanor, they burn with a secret rage because people won’t let them just kill themselves off. They refuse to fuck in the wild, they abandon their young in the small chance that they do copulate, and they are non-carnivorous bears. WHAT OTHER HINTS DO WE NEED?
…that being said  I want to go to the Wolong panda reserve to let a baby panda hug train get run on me

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June 20, 2012 · 3:44 pm

The many promises to eat better with my advancing age

Every single day I promise to eat lunch at my office like a normal office drone that brown paper bags it. In an effort to not grow to the size of a planet with my advancing age, in my imagination those lunches are always ridiculously healthy: beet salads and the like.

that right there is a bagel with cream cheese topped with Cheez Its

But I just have such a hard time keeping promises to myself. Maybe I’ll just start going to the gym instead?

 

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June 18, 2012 · 4:20 pm

Enter the psyche of my cats part II

There are certain people that you encounter in this world that you know, from the instant that you meet them, you will love forever. This love will be unconditional and have no limitations or boundaries.

It looks something like this

It looks like this, right?

I’ve yet to find that perfect Rogue and Gambit murderous/dangerous love.

But, I have a close second. And that is my cat, Liono

The bond – it is so true

In my endless string of unsuccessful human relationships, I find it encouraging that I am capable of creating such a strong connection with at least one sentient being. At some point in the near future, when industriousness reigns, I will get into how I acquired Liono

it involves me getting locked in a bathroom AND a trip to the hospital to get a roommate a spinal tap to see whether or not he was insane, or just on drugs

But until that mythical day actually happens, I will just relay the dearness and darling nature of the most charming cat in the world. Unlike the monster that is George, Liono has many loves including, but not limited to: chronic, cuddles, kisses, and tomato sauce.

And pizza

So until I can find a human being that is satisfied to sleep until two in the afternoon, and then watch and re-watch the same re-run episodes of My So-Called Life until it is drinking o’clock, I can’t be sure that anyone will be capable of replacing Liono.

and I am mostly cool with that

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June 4, 2012 · 2:41 pm

The fridge part II: Electric boogaloo (no, there might be something in there that is a conduit for electrical currents)

A while ago I had shared a picture of the inside of my fridge, stocked with the essentials. I would hyperlink to that entry, but I don’t know how and I don’t feel like looking it up. Essentially it was a sad picture of an empty fridge with a tall boy in it; look through the posts: it was quality stuff.

Let’s re-visit the once empty fridge, brimming with the potential to be filled…

…With garbage.

I don’t really know the genesis of the garbage fridge, though I believe it started inauspiciously enough. Perhaps I had some leftover pizza that I kept in the box and would pull out slice by slice, until the only thing left was an empty box. And then, of course, I am massively busy working a soul sucking job and memorizing the “rap” part of Spice Girls’ Wannabe


Slam your body down and wind it all around!

I am way too busy to say, buy a garbage can.

who needs one? I have a fridge?

Like most things in my life that spiral wildly out of control, I would make myself daily promises. “Today I will clean out my fridge.” “Today I will buy a garbage can.” “Today I will pay off my creditors.” However, as day slowly ebbs into night, thoughts would change to things like, “if I leave the remains of this microwave dinner on the counter the cats will get it…I’ll temporarily put it in the fridge.”

And then a slow evolution occurs wherein the fridge becomes a warzone of garbage; where do I put actual food? However, a fun game also occurs.

I like to call it, “what did I use to be?”

Who knows?!

According to the sell by date, this just celebrated its sixth month birthday. Happy birthday, baby, oh the places you’ll go!

Trying to fight the tides of the fridge garbage seems as futile as, say, trying to get the earth to change its rotation. Meaning, it might happen one day, but that will only be because the mold taking over the inside will become sentient and want a change of scenery. Who knows? I might be housing the future creatures to roam this world after the robot apocalypse renders humans obsolete.

 

I would start leaving sacrifices to the fridge if I were you…

 

 


 

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