Category Archives: music

The amount of fucks I give

Zero - no fucks. Not a single one

Zero – no fucks. Not a single one

The Cheez-its are an arrow pointing to the stars in reverence for this song:

Cause when you are facing cardiac arrest by pizza, truly the “only way is up,”  from there.

Did I mention that this was a microwavable pizza for one? Cause, yes.

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YouTube comments make the world a better place

Whenever life gets particularly shitty I like to search through the comments on YouTube to see those that are significantly worse off than me.  There is nothing more heartrending than the cries of the forlorn seeking internet therapy while simultaneously watching music videos.

Like this lost soul

I just can't get over her!

Nine people agree, break-ups are horrible.

The song? The music that was breaking their heart and reminding them of this tragic loss?

Ya know, the song from Pretty Woman

Ya know, the song from Pretty Woman

And in case you don’t understand the absolute hilarity in weeping over this entirely shameful song, here is the music video


Good luck, sir, hopefully the dulcet tones of Go West will help ease the heartache. And if it brings you any comfort, your comment made me laugh my ass off during a time of my own misery.

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My musical abilities are epic

I love Downton Abbey. It’s phenomenal and gives me the ability to indulge in several of my favorite things: large hats, British accents, and over dramatic longings.

flossin'

flossin’

However…there is ONE thing it might be missing.

Kitties singing the theme song.

Obvy

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What I wore to work – the I’ve obviously stopped caring edition

Oh? Did you try and hide the work bear from me?

Guess what?

I fucking found him

I fucking found him

And stole him

unrelated - I've also taken to wearing a mustache at work these days

unrelated – I’ve also taken to wearing a mustache at work these days

Just like Brandy and Monica sang before me, “the bear is mine.”

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Filed under Animals, music, romance, work

Hurricane Sandy and lotsa fuckin’ candy


Oh hey! There was hurricane throughout the East Coast from Sunday to Tuesday of last week. Did you hear about this? Gotta tell you, I ignored every single news report of it because my evil Canadian overlord (see: my job) almost assuredly wouldn’t close. I prepared for the hurricane as the best little You Life I could be. I went to the dollar store and got the essentials:

cat food – look at how fucking terrified that cat is, also 30% protein? Amazing. Cat litter – for cartoon animals

And diet coke.

Sunday night I was lounging when I got a call that indicated that the East Coast was going to fall into the ocean: my office was closed. Perhaps I should have purchased a candle? Nope – let the rains come.

The beginning of the hurricane stay-vaction

On Monday I woke up to a gray sky, but nothing that indicated to me that the gods’ were wrathful. After waking up, going back to sleep, waking up again, and then trying to make a cup of coffee from an espresso machine that I forgot I stole from a cunty ex-roommate I was up. Starving. Bored.

So I assessed the following two things: the secret reserves in the apartment

This is for the end times. The secret storage of candy, syrup, and strawberry fluff

And how it looked outside:

Let’s be frank. There is only so much reading, movie watching, hobby-doing, and masturbating that a person can do in one day. At around two I had enough. I left the apartment to walk to get food. Nothing was open. So then, I did what any adult would do.

I went to see how terrifying the playground was during the hurricane

Shortly after going on the swings a police officer drove by and gave me a very stern tongue lashing pertaining to the idiocy of wandering around during a storm.

Returned home.

Sent this text message to my best friend after the lights started flickering:

“I better not have to wank off by candle light” (it would be like jerking off during Little House of the Prairie times. I want to crank it with all of the modern amenities).

Hunger took over. So I did what I needed to do…

I defrosted the chocolate bunnies from Easter, seven months earlier, and covered them in Cupcake magic shell for dinner

Sadness. Utter sadness.

Finally a friend without power came over with the barest of cooking supplies (defrosted chicken thighs, a mini pan, rice, and rum). Seeing as how I don’t own any of the following: cooking oil, a pot, utensils, or a pan it was going to be a trial to cook both the chicken and rice. But, since I am a bit of a fucking wizard I made an entire meal using the smallest frying pan known to man and an iron skillet that was so large that it could have cooked me. I steamed the rice in the skillet with a pizza box. INDUSTRIOUSNESS.

While cooking this a Queen song played in the background. What is covering the bitty frying pan? A metal pizza “stone” …rust side up.

Tuesday:

Tried to sleep in. With great success

Played SNES for hours

In the battle for Kirby dominance I told Happy Brother Senior to eat an entire bag of dicks and finished the victor.

And then it all de-evolved after the second entire day without leaving the apartment. It de-evolved into me creating this “mojito” mix that I think was a code for rat poison. It called to fill a plastic bucket with warm water, this neon green powder, and rum. Later on that day I could be found amongst the piles of VHS tapes in my apartment, eating the slushy poison out of a bucket, dancing to the last song from the credits in Legend.

No seriously, Tangerine Dream is fucking out of this world amazing.

And that is how I survived.

Because I was fine. And my love was strong enough.

Hearts, and flowers, and posi vibes to those not as ridiculously fortunate as me.

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Filed under apartment, Booze, cooking, food, friends, movies, music, Philadelphia, work

How I influenced the world of hip hop

I am not saying I am a trendsetter

But I am totally a fucking trendsetter.

Credit where credit is due, Lil Wayne.

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Filed under cats, Fashion, music

A very special You Life

You Life has been in mourning since leap year. The Monkees were an integral part of my development and are, most likely, why I am the way I am today (the good parts of me, not the parts that get confused for a homeless person).

And while it might seem unusual for a twenty-something to be so effected by this loss, I can confidently say that many life decisions I have made are because of the Monkees.

It explains my relationships

It shouldn’t matter that I was always a Peter fan:

 I am taking the Davy news EXTREMELY hard. It has manifested, mostly, in crying and listening to “Daydream Believer” on an endless, tear stained, loop.

Also, it might have manisfested in spending an entire day at work making this. You Life never claimed they were an artist, but their love is true

Whenever I need to make a decision between two women, I will heed Davy’s sage advice:

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