Category Archives: Uncategorized

It’s 2016

I haven’t written anything since the year changed, but I’m kind of lazy and tired right now. So here is a picture of a seagull with a penis that I snapchatted to someone a few days ago. Happy New Year.

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Come away with me

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Filed under Animals, science! technology!, Uncategorized

Job opportunities

Everyone has signed up for job alerts, right? I mean…unless you’re an heiress chances are you’ve signed up for Smart Match, and Beyond, and Monster, and Indeed (or InFact or whatever it’s called). And then your name goes on a list and you end up getting emails from The Ladders, and Duke Careers, and High Life – right?

I think the way these emails have evolved is purely magical. Since I haven’t cultivated the garden of employment emails, or specific job skills, in the last three years my email alerts for new jobs make me feel like I’m a spy. Also, the diverse nature of my abilities according to these alerts is truly staggering. See:

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Either a bartender at TGIFridays – an establishment I was previously fired from. OR an exciting new career as an International Communications Manager – a job I’ve never heard of.

And of course:

 

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The viable option for me to be a physician at Abington Hospital.

Thanks, email! That was fun for both of us.

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Filed under Uncategorized, work

#mydunkin is always bleak

I really appreciate how Dunkin Donuts encourages their patrons to share various Dunkin-related stories. Historically it’s always worked out well for me (see here and here) and I’m glad that the organization cares so much about my welfare and general habits to inquire about #mydunkin.

My story involves being an office temp at a job where I get to watch the full-time employees enjoy perks such as the boss bringing in a cardboard gallon of Dunkin Donuts coffee for them. And after, when the full-time employees are throwing a party with a specific note on the door that says “FULL-TIME EMPLOYEES ONLY” I decided to take several of the unused Dunkin cups, go into the secret party room filled with food and paid sick leave, and filled them with mac n cheese. So I guess #mydunkin involves pilfering food and cups from my office superiors and hiding at my temporary desk while eating it.

#mydunkin arrives in my tummy through swindling and shame!

#mydunkin arrives in my tummy through swindling and shame

I also stole the spoon

I also stole the spoon

 

 

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Filed under broke, food, Uncategorized, work

Slick burn, Facebook

Well played, FB

ZING!

No one. You know no one on the Internet

Zing!

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Filed under science! technology!, Uncategorized

It’s just one of those days

Am I right, or what?

Am I right, or what?

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Filed under cranky, tv, Uncategorized

Better than that song that Ma$e and Puff Daddy did

There are few things better than when Ma$e and Puffy used to collaborate in shiny suits. But much like them, “can’t nobody hold me down,” especially in relation to the good things in life.

But my latest creation is better than Ma$e and Puff. It’s better than everything. I don’t know if good things existed before this. Good things didn’t exist before this 

the greatest thing in the world

BOW TO ME, INTERNET

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Filed under Animals, cats, pets, pizza, religion, the interwebz, Uncategorized

One is the Deadliest Number

What a great way to start August – with a fan fiction of failure. This one truly speaks to the dickish nature of a smug Fred Jones. For your listening pleasure:

One is the Deadliest Number
VO by Joanna
story by You Life
art by the Law Offices of Van Noss²

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Daphne’s hand tightened around the handle, the blade hidden behind her back.

“Jinkies!…you feeling alright?” Velma’s hesitant voice echoed down the hall.

She cleared her throat trying to sound calm, “Totally Velm. Just…just looking for that over-sized magnifying glass.”

“Oh okay. Shaggy and I are going to take Scoobs out for a walk. That might make you feel better.”

Damn that Fred! Everyone knew.

“Thanks, maybe later.”

She waited till Velma walked away. That cravat wearing mother fucker must have told everyone about them before she got up.

“I like you Daphne. It’s just that I need someone smarter than you.”

No one uses Daphne Danger and gets away with it. Who needs brains when you have a blade?

The poster of Tesla outside Fred’s door infuriated Daphne. She knocked her fist against the scientist’s judge-y face. Fred opened the door and Daphne greeted him with the business end of her knife.

Meaning she killed him.

Bios
Joanna is a vocal goddess
Van Noss is a grumpy mantalope

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Filed under comics, doodles, fan fiction, Uncategorized