Sometimes you have friends that are mad talented and they immortalize you on the internet because of your cat lady-ness. Go check out this fine girl’s work. Also, cats in a me suit.
http://www.kellymeissner.blogspot.ca/2012/10/cat-lady-tuesday.html
Tag Archives: kitties
Gotta be armed
We live in frightening times, unquestionably. I used to work for a woman who after seeing too many episodes of the show Jericho decided that it was time to arm herself for the coming post-apocalypse. She was convinced that the presidency of Obama would mean that our right to bear arms would be compromised and,” fuck no”, was she going to be the only one not packing heat when the fight for the final Twinkie was going down.
In a world where my crazy boss believes Skeet Ulrich will save us…
I get it. The future looks rough. But while some people choose to build bomb shelters, stock up on canned food, and time themselves on the quickness and accuracy of cleaning their shotguns
The future looks so bright I better wear shades
I have chosen a different means in order to protect myself
And that is amassing a small feline army to defend my apartment.
Filed under cats, horrifying
Enter the psyche of my cats
My cats have been introduced in this blog already, as I prefer them to almost all carbon-based life forms. Their antics have been documented due to their insatiable need to ruin a night of pampering; and their cuteness has been lauded as a way for me to give into maternal instincts and still drink gin.
But until now their personalities have been little discussed. So let me introduce you to…George!
when Satan takes feline form.
George is evil. Pure evilness. That is pretty much the extent of his personality. Except one time, while I was sleeping on my back, he scratched my neck near the corroded artery. Another time he scratched me across my wrist making me look like I am a cutter to my co-workers and friends. Well, I guess those weren’t personality traits but rather illustrations of his wickedness.
Ah, George.
Caught in a bad romance – with myself.
Sometimes a lady just needs to reward herself for a Tuesday well-done. It’s extremely important to romance one’s self, and, at “You Life,” self-romancing is done right.
The first rule of self-congratulations is treat yourself to your favorite dinner. So, after work, I set off to get my absolute favorite Tuesday meal:
Tuesday night: the perfect night for a lemon meringue doughnut and five dollar wine.
The best thing about being an adult is that I can drink my calories and pretend that it is a fancy enjoyment by coupling it with an overpriced doughnut!
However, no matter how hard you work, there is always someone that wants to keep you down, take advantage of your generosity, and shit all over your night of pampering.
George. It was George that wanted to shit all over my night of self-romancing.
What happened was that, in my wine-provoked state of liberality, I gave George a taste of his favorite treat. This mofo LOVES doughnuts. The first picture was of him lovingly tasting the meringue. The second picture was going to be of me enjoying the doughnut; instead, it turned into a candid of George trying to hit me in the face to get the rest of the sweets. And, since I suffered the face battery, he won.
That ended the meal portion of the night. Undeterred, I moved onto other self-spoiling activities, like lighting candles and setting up a hot bath to enjoy.
This is how I have to prepare for a bath:
Put the stopper in.
in case you can’t tell, that is a shot glass
Fill with hot water.
That is a tea kettle filled with hot water since I only get an average of three minutes of hot water, which generally is enough time to fill my tub with less than two inches of mostly tepid water
After a fruitless fifteen minute search for candles to put around the tub, I soaked my work-exhausted limbs in the luke-warm water…
...until Liono jumped into the bathtub shortly after this picture was snapped
That pretty much ended the whole night.
Going Green
I have always been a big fan of Max from Where the Wild Things Are. Consequently, it should come as no surprise that, as an adult, I would live out one of the scenes from that book. It was always my assumption, however, that it would be the wild rumpus part that’s filled with dancing or, perhaps, the dinner scene that’s filled with cake.
It comes as a complete surprise to me that it should be the sleeping part of the book (wherein all the monsters dog pile for warmth) that I am currently emulating.
And it is this scenario provides the first installment of “going green tips.”
Becoming an environmentally conscious person is a tough decision to make. It means no more rampant littering and reusing the crap you would rather just toss onto the side of a road. But it becomes significantly easier, if you don’t use fossil fuels or heating oil or if you don’t have money to pay for them. If you do have the money, but refuse to use fossil fuels, then you are an environmentally friendly person; if you lack the funds, then you are a de facto environmental activist.
The lack of No. 2 heating oil for my current apartment complex means that I have gone green. I am sure that the apartment complex is heated, but my apartment is not. Why? Oil is mad expensive. Also, contacting my landlord is confusing. Additionally, I find the provider for the oil to be difficult on the phone. Most of all, I’m lazy.
For a brief period of time my job was allotting workers an individual space heater for their desk. Since I am industrious I stole mine.
Oh space heater, how I love you
…until I plugged you in at home only to find out you’re broken
In order to get any warmth from it you literally had to hug it to your body
So I have found an alternate route to heating the apartment. I gather Liono and George and force them to cuddle with me. It is like a combination of Mowgli gathering with the wolves in The Jungle Book and Max slumbering with the wild things.
George hates me, but he hates the cold more
Liono is like a living space heater
and, like Max before me, I find that if we all pile on the bed there is enough heat generated so my eyebrows don’t develop ice crystals during my slumber.
There ya go, environment. Thank me later.
Filed under cats, going green
Some people have children
Some people have children. And that is great. There is nothing more beautiful, or horrifying, than babies. The thing with babies is that they require certain things: food, clothes, a home, and, occasionally, love and attention. Depending on what is going on in my life the above might not be readily available, so I don’t have kids. Additionally, I am frightened of all the ways that a baby might be extricated from my body. Also, I don’t want to give up coffee, cigarettes, gin, or raw fish while I am pregnant.
So I have cats. And I call them my babies. Sometimes I put clothes on them. I also sing them songs; they have favorite bands. I have given them middle names and last names.
On other, happier, lifestyle blogs you might see pictures of chubby-faced babies in adorable outfits, or tasting ice cream for the first time. You might see cute families encouraging the baby to look at the camera for one of their millions of family portraits.
There will be none of that here. Instead there will be many pictures of my two babies: Liono and George. Sometimes they might be wearing clothing; sometimes they might be sharing pasta and Yuenglings with me. But they will certainly be present. Often. Also, I might make music videos about cats.
Filed under cats
You life is not so great 