Category Archives: apartment

The finer details of fire safety

The other night I decided to make nachos as a celebratory meal for finishing a Tuesday well done.  And also because I feel less pathetic cooking dinner for one (plus cats) when it’s a featured item on the Chili’s menu.

Some people think “nachos” and this is what is brought to their imagination:

whoever made this is a miracle worker of culinary proportions

whoever made this is a miracle worker of culinary proportions

I make a less traditional nacho, comprised of only two ingredients:

This is more my speed

This is more my speed

After throwing those into the broiler there are some that might diligently wait by the oven and wait for the cheese to melt and then proceed with feasting. But I am not some, and instead walked to my local 7-11  to get additional grocery-like supplies.

I returned to a miniature conflagration in my kitchen.

Since I paid attention in grade school I knew that I needed to get a fire extinguisher right quick. I ran to my hallway to grab it and that is where I found:

Happy 2013!

Happy 2013!

As it turns out, a fire extinguisher two years expired doesn’t work on a molten mass of flaming triscuits. So I did what any person would do. I grabbed six towels, opened the window, and threw the firey food into the softly falling snow.

And then I left a PSA where the expired fire extinguisher used to be for my landlord to see

smokey is furious

 

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Filed under Animals, apartment, cats, cooking, food

A very special You Life: George’s eulogy.

Yesterday, on Christmas, I spent an entire day on the train traveling back to my apartment. I purchased myself some holiday PBRs and got ready to have a full blown solo Christmas pity party. All of my intentions were focused on feeling totally sorry for myself because I was spending Christmas alone. However, George had other plans.

His plan?

Dying
rip georgenstein collage

This is exactly how he wanted to go, on Christmas: a day usually reserved for family, and happiness, and joy. Those are all of the things that he hates and stands against. Misery? Pain? Mournful tunes on the banjo? The last chapter of Oil? Ruining gift giving holidays? George knew that those were the real simple pleasures in life.

And, obviously, hating you. That was another of his favorite things.

And, obviously, hating you. That was another of his favorite things.

Except, of course, there is more pleasure in dying. So, after a hundred and fifty thousand years of life George went to meet him maker.

I think we all know who George's maker is

I think we all know who George’s maker is

And I, for one, will miss the ever loving shit out of that miserable cranky cat bastard. And, while his cold dead body rests in the space heater box in my living room while I am at work (HE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY DON’T JUDGE ME), later on I will be memorializing him in the best way possible: playing The Ballad of Georgie on the ukulele and whiskey drankin’.
bye baby

Bye, littlest evil.
rip george 8

 

 

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Filed under Animals, apartment, beer, cats, Holidays, public transportation

Hurricane Sandy and lotsa fuckin’ candy


Oh hey! There was hurricane throughout the East Coast from Sunday to Tuesday of last week. Did you hear about this? Gotta tell you, I ignored every single news report of it because my evil Canadian overlord (see: my job) almost assuredly wouldn’t close. I prepared for the hurricane as the best little You Life I could be. I went to the dollar store and got the essentials:

cat food – look at how fucking terrified that cat is, also 30% protein? Amazing. Cat litter – for cartoon animals

And diet coke.

Sunday night I was lounging when I got a call that indicated that the East Coast was going to fall into the ocean: my office was closed. Perhaps I should have purchased a candle? Nope – let the rains come.

The beginning of the hurricane stay-vaction

On Monday I woke up to a gray sky, but nothing that indicated to me that the gods’ were wrathful. After waking up, going back to sleep, waking up again, and then trying to make a cup of coffee from an espresso machine that I forgot I stole from a cunty ex-roommate I was up. Starving. Bored.

So I assessed the following two things: the secret reserves in the apartment

This is for the end times. The secret storage of candy, syrup, and strawberry fluff

And how it looked outside:

Let’s be frank. There is only so much reading, movie watching, hobby-doing, and masturbating that a person can do in one day. At around two I had enough. I left the apartment to walk to get food. Nothing was open. So then, I did what any adult would do.

I went to see how terrifying the playground was during the hurricane

Shortly after going on the swings a police officer drove by and gave me a very stern tongue lashing pertaining to the idiocy of wandering around during a storm.

Returned home.

Sent this text message to my best friend after the lights started flickering:

“I better not have to wank off by candle light” (it would be like jerking off during Little House of the Prairie times. I want to crank it with all of the modern amenities).

Hunger took over. So I did what I needed to do…

I defrosted the chocolate bunnies from Easter, seven months earlier, and covered them in Cupcake magic shell for dinner

Sadness. Utter sadness.

Finally a friend without power came over with the barest of cooking supplies (defrosted chicken thighs, a mini pan, rice, and rum). Seeing as how I don’t own any of the following: cooking oil, a pot, utensils, or a pan it was going to be a trial to cook both the chicken and rice. But, since I am a bit of a fucking wizard I made an entire meal using the smallest frying pan known to man and an iron skillet that was so large that it could have cooked me. I steamed the rice in the skillet with a pizza box. INDUSTRIOUSNESS.

While cooking this a Queen song played in the background. What is covering the bitty frying pan? A metal pizza “stone” …rust side up.

Tuesday:

Tried to sleep in. With great success

Played SNES for hours

In the battle for Kirby dominance I told Happy Brother Senior to eat an entire bag of dicks and finished the victor.

And then it all de-evolved after the second entire day without leaving the apartment. It de-evolved into me creating this “mojito” mix that I think was a code for rat poison. It called to fill a plastic bucket with warm water, this neon green powder, and rum. Later on that day I could be found amongst the piles of VHS tapes in my apartment, eating the slushy poison out of a bucket, dancing to the last song from the credits in Legend.

No seriously, Tangerine Dream is fucking out of this world amazing.

And that is how I survived.

Because I was fine. And my love was strong enough.

Hearts, and flowers, and posi vibes to those not as ridiculously fortunate as me.

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Filed under apartment, Booze, cooking, food, friends, movies, music, Philadelphia, work

Have you done anything supa’ sexy recently?

I totally have. I got all naked, and soapy, and wet with….

My dishes!

Because my sink is clogged and I promised myself that I would wash my dishes by hell or high water. Instead, I forgot about them. So, we all ended up showering together once my hair began to smell offensive.

Happy Friday.

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Filed under apartment, going green, horrifying

The great and powerful landlord – plus new neighbors

As far as I know, I have a landlord. Every month I send a rent check, two weeks late, to a person. The check definitely gets cashed, generally resulting in a massive overdraft fee. At one point while in Chicago I got a call from a medical supply store that turned out to be my landlord telling me that my check bounced. The voice was certainly pissed.

Other than that – nope. He’s a mystery. Don’t know his name, what he looks like, or what he actually does. I didn’t have heat for an entire winter. I don’t have a number where I can contact him – let alone a maintenance man.

This is what I think he might look like

hmm…that looks a bit like Johnny Cash during the end days. Failure.

Let’s try that again:

IGNORE THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN THAT CALLS YOU FROM A MEDICAL SUPPLY STORE!

However, I know he isn’t an illusion. My landlord is a man of flesh and blood. I know this because sometimes he leaves me gifts outside my door.

I wonder what he is trying to to tell me?

Evidently a furrier new tenant has also moved in recently.

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Filed under Animals, apartment

We all have priorities

I have a new neighbor.

As it turns out we want different things in our apartments

amirite? (to break that up for you it was “am I right?” and we all know I am)

 

And if you were curious:

1.  That’s a water stain from when the upstairs shower leaks.

2. One of those welcome mats might be a pizza box.

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Filed under apartment, cats, cranky