Category Archives: cats

The brave death of the skillet

It shouldn’t be surprising, but it seems that with unemployment I have  become considerably lazier than recent memory recalls. With getting laid off I’ve noticed that it has opened up a world of possibilities, such as more time to shower but also less impetus to get out of bed.

Also, re-making Dre’s 2001: The Chronic to make it cat friendly for my kits:
new dre

hey-eh-eh-ay catnip everyday

But I’ve been neglecting more than just my personal hygiene and commitment to sanity. I’ve neglected skillet

It seems as though when I was making skillet work double duty as a pasta-maker, I didn’t consider that the noxious combination of pasta water and the bottom of the balsa wood VHS organizer would create something considerably unholy.

this is the tool I use to steam pasta in a cast iron skillet

this is the tool I use to steam pasta in a cast iron skillet

This is what the bottom looked like after I steamed the pasta:

that ring was not an original feature of the organizer

that ring was not an original feature of the organizer

And this what happened after letting the fumes, and poison, and remnants of pasta that I couldn’t fish out percolate for about a week (read: a month):

Sweet mother of God

Sweet mother of God

It gets worse:

It's my very own version of the Origin of Species. But, ya know, in my kitchen

It’s my very own version of the Origin of Species. But, ya know, in my kitchen

When the mold started I did what any person would do.
hide the mold

I put the VHS organizer back on top of the skillet so as not to deal with it.

Until today. Now the little community of, what can only be evil and villainous, mold can live free in the skillet for all of eternity.

In my trash.

But I played Taps while heaving it into the dumpster.

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Filed under apartment, cats, cooking, food, horrifying, music, pets, science! technology!

Welcome to this apartment

I found the perfect welcoming sign to hang on my door to the apartment. If my neighbors weren’t concerned and confused by this

I can only imagine how they feel about this:

despite being a lady, he insists on calling me "dad"

despite being a lady, he insists on calling me “dad”

And the boy that I am referring to?
kitty bruises 2
My bouncing baby cat-son.

Happy Father’s Day, ya’ll. And happy Father’s Day to me, Liono calls me “Dad” after all.

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Filed under apartment, cats, Holidays

I just can’t quit you, so you fired me

It’s the final week of working at my job after getting the lay off notice six months ago. In efforts to appear supportive, the team that is replacing us sent us a gigantic fucking card thanking us…for our jobs. Which are now their jobs.

To paraphrase a co-worker, how dare they use cats to further their agenda?

To paraphrase a co-worker, how dare they use cats to further their agenda?

But then those Canadian bastards raised the bar on emotional (and…in a way physical) manipulation.

They collaborated with a bakery in Philadelphia to send us all fancy cupcakes

which I handled with my typical self-restraint. I took two and am circling the remainder of them like a shark around a wounded seal

which I handled with my typical self-restraint. I took two and am circling the remainder of them like a shark around a wounded seal

My heart melted.

Until I of course remembered that with a paycheck I could just buy my own damn cupcakes. I will not be satiated by a gift of fancy cupcakes (physically yes, and to a degree emotionally, but not monetarily).  I know your tricks, Canada

Take to the internet
blame canada revenge
blame canada revenge 2

Listen up, Canada, I’m coming for you. And when I say “you” I mean:

 

Real Canadian heroes

Real Canadian heroes


Actually, I’m just going to take another cupcake and curse you. 

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Filed under broke, cats, food, letters, work

My loving marriage

It’s really easy to let things slip your attention when you live in a glorified shanty town of an apartment, resplendent with kitties.

So it was awesomely kind of Facebook to remind me of this:

How could I have been so neglectful toward my "hubby."

How could I have been so neglectful toward my “hubby.”

I can’t imagine what I am searching online that continuously leads Facebook to believe that I am married with a husband I love, and not a cat-obsessed spinster that spent last night drinking  cheap beer and reading comics.

Unless they were, of course, referring to this husband:
i heart my tubby
Since I can’t get a husband, I’ll just get some cats. My relationship with them is similar to a legally binding contract that tells my friends, family, and whatever God that one chooses to believe in that we will love and cherish one another until the other dies.  Except with my cat husband he agrees to love and cherish me until I die in my sleep and he eats my face for survival.

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Filed under apartment, beer, cats

It is our mighty banner under which we fly:

you're never drinking alone

This is a universal truth.

 

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Filed under Animals, art, cats, doodles, friends, wine, work

The finer details of fire safety

The other night I decided to make nachos as a celebratory meal for finishing a Tuesday well done.  And also because I feel less pathetic cooking dinner for one (plus cats) when it’s a featured item on the Chili’s menu.

Some people think “nachos” and this is what is brought to their imagination:

whoever made this is a miracle worker of culinary proportions

whoever made this is a miracle worker of culinary proportions

I make a less traditional nacho, comprised of only two ingredients:

This is more my speed

This is more my speed

After throwing those into the broiler there are some that might diligently wait by the oven and wait for the cheese to melt and then proceed with feasting. But I am not some, and instead walked to my local 7-11  to get additional grocery-like supplies.

I returned to a miniature conflagration in my kitchen.

Since I paid attention in grade school I knew that I needed to get a fire extinguisher right quick. I ran to my hallway to grab it and that is where I found:

Happy 2013!

Happy 2013!

As it turns out, a fire extinguisher two years expired doesn’t work on a molten mass of flaming triscuits. So I did what any person would do. I grabbed six towels, opened the window, and threw the firey food into the softly falling snow.

And then I left a PSA where the expired fire extinguisher used to be for my landlord to see

smokey is furious

 

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Filed under Animals, apartment, cats, cooking, food

How do you express your feelings?

Have you ever had the feelings for someone? Me too!

I am pretty shy at expressing my emotions, so I found the best way to share how I feel with that certain someone is to send a handmade postcard.

Like this one that I mailed to that special person recently:

nothing like drawing that person an adorable kitty

nothing like drawing that person an adorable kitty

to let them know how you really feel.

to let them know how you really feel.

Which, in this case, is disgust and disdain.

It’s the You Life version of Hallmark, always sending the very best. Also, cats.

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Filed under Booze, cats, doodles, romance

The hows and whys that involve me buying frozen vegetables

It’s a very special day in a young woman’s life when she gets to explain to people that the black eye that she is sporting is because an overweight cat jumped on her face while she was sleeping.

This will make the boys come a-runnin'

This will make the boys come a-runnin’

I would love to claim that this was the first time that I was bruised because of my cat. But, of course, that wouldn’t be true.
kitty bruises

And I would be lying if I didn’t say I was mildly concerned about what Liono’s actual motives are these days.

I'm coming for you

I’m coming for you

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Filed under Animals, cats, cranky, pets

A very special You Life: George’s eulogy.

Yesterday, on Christmas, I spent an entire day on the train traveling back to my apartment. I purchased myself some holiday PBRs and got ready to have a full blown solo Christmas pity party. All of my intentions were focused on feeling totally sorry for myself because I was spending Christmas alone. However, George had other plans.

His plan?

Dying
rip georgenstein collage

This is exactly how he wanted to go, on Christmas: a day usually reserved for family, and happiness, and joy. Those are all of the things that he hates and stands against. Misery? Pain? Mournful tunes on the banjo? The last chapter of Oil? Ruining gift giving holidays? George knew that those were the real simple pleasures in life.

And, obviously, hating you. That was another of his favorite things.

And, obviously, hating you. That was another of his favorite things.

Except, of course, there is more pleasure in dying. So, after a hundred and fifty thousand years of life George went to meet him maker.

I think we all know who George's maker is

I think we all know who George’s maker is

And I, for one, will miss the ever loving shit out of that miserable cranky cat bastard. And, while his cold dead body rests in the space heater box in my living room while I am at work (HE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY DON’T JUDGE ME), later on I will be memorializing him in the best way possible: playing The Ballad of Georgie on the ukulele and whiskey drankin’.
bye baby

Bye, littlest evil.
rip george 8

 

 

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Filed under Animals, apartment, beer, cats, Holidays, public transportation

My musical abilities are epic

I love Downton Abbey. It’s phenomenal and gives me the ability to indulge in several of my favorite things: large hats, British accents, and over dramatic longings.

flossin'

flossin’

However…there is ONE thing it might be missing.

Kitties singing the theme song.

Obvy

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Filed under cats, music