woah now
LinkedIn distributing the tough love…and how
Maybe I thought my fat pants were flattering?
Monthly Archives: December 2012
A very special You Life: George’s eulogy.
Yesterday, on Christmas, I spent an entire day on the train traveling back to my apartment. I purchased myself some holiday PBRs and got ready to have a full blown solo Christmas pity party. All of my intentions were focused on feeling totally sorry for myself because I was spending Christmas alone. However, George had other plans.
His plan?
Dying
This is exactly how he wanted to go, on Christmas: a day usually reserved for family, and happiness, and joy. Those are all of the things that he hates and stands against. Misery? Pain? Mournful tunes on the banjo? The last chapter of Oil? Ruining gift giving holidays? George knew that those were the real simple pleasures in life.
And, obviously, hating you. That was another of his favorite things.
Except, of course, there is more pleasure in dying. So, after a hundred and fifty thousand years of life George went to meet him maker.
I think we all know who George’s maker is
And I, for one, will miss the ever loving shit out of that miserable cranky cat bastard. And, while his cold dead body rests in the space heater box in my living room while I am at work (HE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY DON’T JUDGE ME), later on I will be memorializing him in the best way possible: playing The Ballad of Georgie on the ukulele and whiskey drankin’.
Bye, littlest evil.
Holiday Hell Tour: A Molesty Santa
There are certain things that are sacred and unjoking in my [you] life and those are the traditions I have with my closest mates. For the last ten years we have celebrated two things: our own (un PC named) version of Thanksgiving ( see: youfood for the full update), and the other thing is our annual photo with Santa.
Look at those fly people
During the holidays tradition is important.
And one part of this holiday tradition is how much bad touching Santa seems to get away with when I sit on his lap.
In the past it was always just a joke pertaining to the fact that due to my size I would have to be the one perched on Santa’s lap. It was a perfect set up for a joke.
However this year Santa amped up his perv game. When I went to sit on his lap it seemed like awkward quarters, what with so many people flanking us. I ended up plopping onto Mrs. Klaus’s lap. So I popped up off her diminutive frame, but Santa full on grabbed my hips to “re-adjust me” on top his lap. And on the way down onto the holiday lap, Santa got a handful of my ass.
He has his hand on my freaking hip in this shot. Damn you, Santa!
So, Santa is kind of a douche bag.
Happy holidays from You Life (and Bear Ambulance) to you
Filed under cranky, friends, Holidays, horrifying
My musical abilities are epic
I love Downton Abbey. It’s phenomenal and gives me the ability to indulge in several of my favorite things: large hats, British accents, and over dramatic longings.
flossin’
However…there is ONE thing it might be missing.
Kitties singing the theme song.
Obvy
The time is meow
Well hello. Are you familiar with this masterpiece of a music video?
Are you familiar with this beverage?
If you mix these two things for several hours and happen to be me, you will get this as a result:
I was going to write more…but I think that’s enough.
Oh actually, there is more. I am wearing the same “outfit” from this post:
https://youlifeisnotsogreat.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/style-is-as-style-doesnt-get-off-the-couch/
What I wore to work – the I’ve obviously stopped caring edition
Oh? Did you try and hide the work bear from me?
Guess what?
I fucking found him
And stole him
unrelated – I’ve also taken to wearing a mustache at work these days
Just like Brandy and Monica sang before me, “the bear is mine.”
Who is this person?!
I like to obsessively follow my own blog, because I am neurotically obsessed with myself.
This entails trying to figure out what draws people in terms of search words to this blog.
John Donne once said, “No man is an island.” And in regards to the over-share update on how I used to try and wank off to Moll Flanders I would like to ponder this question:
WHO IS THIS PERSON?
They might be my soul mate.
Also, how funny are the other search terms?
Filed under celebrities, literature
Where are you going to spend eternity?
Got stopped by a person in the subway in order to get another religious pamphlet (a disturbing theme in my life, see: the time I was mistaken for a homeless person) . This time the pamphlet wanted to get right to the issue at hand
I feel like we all know the answer to this
According to the rhetoric inside, I will not be spending eternity in a nice place.
(HELL! It’s hell, in case you couldn’t tell where the pamphlet was going)
Filed under Philadelphia, public transportation, religion
What I wore to work – the laid off edition
Do you know who always looks great?
Yup. That guy.
Do you know what I also have an affinity for?
Bears (and Bear Ambulances)
What happens when it is the end times at work? The “last days of Rome” days at work? I’ll end up at my office dressed like Where’s Waldo, pulling up that iconic sweater, in front of a statue of bear…that happens to be parked in front of my boss’s office.
Go ahead…fire me. I bear ya!
You life is not so great 