It is my gift; It is my curse: my face.
While waiting for the 95 bus to take me to my (grownup) job today something happened. Something mystical. Something that teetered that fine line between joy and sorrow.
Not one, but two, school buses stopped to pick me up within the course of an hour.
This picture taken mere moment before the great school bus incident of 2012
Filed under cranky, horrifying, Philadelphia, public transportation
I wasn’t allowed to have snack food growing up. No soda, no caffeine, no candy. My mother was, and is, a phenomenal cook which meant that I was blessed with awesome meals everyday – including packed lunches.
There is a part of me that would like to repay these healthy eating habits during my youth with a balanced and mature response to the ability to now purchase my own groceries and prepare my own meals.
On the other hand. Breakfast candy sounds delightful
Good morning, cancer. I’ve noted that the main ingredients in most of my breakfast consisted of colors and numbers.
Filed under cooking, food, horrifying
It should come as no surprise that I get contacted by numerous celebrities that want to endorse me.
(Endorse me…save me, same thing).
Generally the celebs contact me through carrier pigeon or smoke signals as my phone is in a frequent state of flux (read: turned off or not working). But sometimes, just sometimes they use this fancy new electronic communication device
Yeah, Beyonce, you usually don’t email me
So I was pretty surprised to see my good friend Beyonce Knowles contacting me via email, though she is spot on, often she doesn’t email me. Generally she just shows up at my door, Baby Blue and Jay Z accompanying her, and whisks me and the cats away to an exotic location. Or the McDonald’s down the street.
Thanks for emailing, Bey!
Filed under celebrities
I started this blog as a response to the good intentions of people that run blogs and post about their perfect perfect lives. It’s kind of insane that monetary exchange has been made based off of faceless people being voyeurs.
There has never been a moment of my life where I thought, “I would love to see how fucking awesome this stranger’s life is. ” I’ve never wanted to marvel over this internet mirage’s abilities to find so much time in the day to knit a cat litter cozy, applique some glitter to ugly thrift store clothing, and photograph seven million pictures of them kissing their mate. Because of two things: 1. I am insecure and 2. I don’t like feeling happy for other people. I would much prefer to make fun of other people. Hence this right here.
However, while I do love pointing out the various absurdities of my life, I am beginning to think that there might be some karmic retribution for taking such joy at hating those lifestyle blogs so much:
Come ON!
I know that some of my actions are condemnable…but does my apartment have to be as well?
Filed under crafts, cranky, horrifying, Philadelphia
My friend Shawn (he did a guest post on robots) has the coolest dog in the world. He’s a miniature Pinscher named Vader. I absolutely love this little dog:
Players gonna play
He is a lady killer and a total pimp. His yips are as iconic in our group of friends as Andy Warhol’s soup can. He charms even the hardest of hearts; he’ll eat the largest of Baconators®.
He seduces the most curmudgeonly of souls
So, as a birthday gift for Shawn I decided to draw the portrait in Titanic the way it was meant to be drawn. While many might view the supple naked body of a young Kate Winslet to be beyond improvements…I saw an area in which it was lacking. It was completely absent of Vader.
I rectified that problem:
Draw me like one of your French Vaders. Wearing this. Wearing ONLY this.
Eat it James Cameron.
Filed under dogs
Here is my fail safe way to get rid of those pesky hangovers.
It will involve a Philadelphia classic: Lee’s Hoagie House (check it!)
http://www.leeshoagiehouse.com/locations.htm
Menu for the Janie Cure™: pepperoni cheese steak, hot sauce, cheese fries, diet Coke (aspartame!), Gatorade, cats
Call it quits on this day, you’re stayin’ home.
Filed under Booze, cats, cranky, Philadelphia
I have very clearly just given up on life entirely.
It’s my birthday, and someone very special wants to celebrate with me.
Jack Daniel’s wants to celebrate with me. Welcome to adulthood, where a liquor company is who wants to celebrate the anniversary of your birth. I’ll see you later tonight, Jack!
Happy You Life!
Some time ago, in a land not far far away, a girl made a promise to herself to stop eating as though her fast metabolism was going to last forever.
Just a brief example of what I like to eat for breakfast. Mega Blow Pop stories to follow at a later date.
I have a great deal of trepidation that one day my Cheetos® for breakfast fare will cause me a massive coronary before the age of 30. After much speculation I decided to eat better and exercise regularly. The next day I ate a bagel with cream cheese and Cheez-It®s (see previous entry). So, I figured that maybe I would become obsessed with working out and getting a gym membership.
But so far there is only one thing I am obsessed with.
Cheez-It®
And, yes, you are seeing that correctly. It’s a pizza covered in Cheez-It®s and then doused with hot sauce.
Fuck you, health
Filed under cooking, food, horrifying, wine
You life is not so great 