When asked to represent ourselves on a whiteboard at work, I did so as only the most competent of employees would:
it’s a way of life
Category Archives: work
It’s the final countdown
Believe it.
Just like all good things must come to an end, all shitty things come to an end too.
In celebration of never working at Y** again:
a car got post-it’ed
It was revealed that it was no hallucination, someone has been eating all of your frozen food:
you bet your ass it was
And then in an effort to ensure that no beauty is in this office my co-worker and I decided to steal the Cezanne prints from the corporate side of the office. (They might not be a reproduction of Cezanne prints, fuck it).
Only to get caught by a grumpy man that’ll still have a job come Monday.
So we did what anyone would do:
classing up the loo
The infamous toilet from this
And then a fellow co-worker stole a chair.
Also, I kept the artwork.
Thanks for the blog fodder, job, see you around.
Filed under work
I just can’t quit you, so you fired me
It’s the final week of working at my job after getting the lay off notice six months ago. In efforts to appear supportive, the team that is replacing us sent us a gigantic fucking card thanking us…for our jobs. Which are now their jobs.
To paraphrase a co-worker, how dare they use cats to further their agenda?
But then those Canadian bastards raised the bar on emotional (and…in a way physical) manipulation.
They collaborated with a bakery in Philadelphia to send us all fancy cupcakes
which I handled with my typical self-restraint. I took two and am circling the remainder of them like a shark around a wounded seal
My heart melted.
Until I of course remembered that with a paycheck I could just buy my own damn cupcakes. I will not be satiated by a gift of fancy cupcakes (physically yes, and to a degree emotionally, but not monetarily). I know your tricks, Canada
Take to the internet
Listen up, Canada, I’m coming for you. And when I say “you” I mean:
Real Canadian heroes
Actually, I’m just going to take another cupcake and curse you.
Do I have any suggestions for my job?
Do I have any suggestions for the company I work for?
As it turned out I did have a suggestion for them:
Second suggestion, go fuck yourself.
The Great Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef Mystery of 2013
For the last month I’ve been canvassing my work’s freezer in order to steal any frozen meals that might be in there to sustain me during the summer of my unemployment.
As far as I was concerned it was a brilliant plan.
Freezer #1 – normal looking, filled with steal-ables
Freezer #2 – second verse, same as the first (only better, this one has yogurt).
Look at all of that delicious (sort of delicious…free makes everything delicious, so whatever. It’s edible) food.
And then a mysterious wrench was thrown in my plan
Just…why?
Right there? That’s six frozen Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef ready meals. Six. Six of them. The day before there was NO food in that freezer. The next day? Six. And of something that traditionally isn’t even a food eaten outside of breakfast. Also, it’s gross looking.
And they’ve remained in there for over a week. They all arrived in one day and not a single one has been consumed.
So now I can’t be sure that my two office nemeses haven’t heard my plan to steal all of the food (I wasn’t exactly speaking in hushed whispers about my malfeasants) and brought in all of this chipped beef in which to poison me.
I’m still going to steal it though.
UPDATE Three of the creamed chipped beefs are now gone! (May 20, 2013 10:23 EST)
Anything that’s not nailed to the ground
From my very limited understanding of history, the last days of Rome were a rough place to be: hedonism, theft, moral malaise. And while I gathered these opinions about the civilization’s decline following a less than five minute Google search, I can confidently say that my declining juncture at my job is probably similar.
Or maybe not. But I am stealing everything that isn’t nailed to the ground. The most eccentric theft to date pertains to my aggressive love of hot sauce.
Some nice person left out a communal hot sauce for the lunch room, and while I appreciate the spirit of generosity I more greatly appreciate free condiments. However, I couldn’t just take the bottle of hot sauce in broad (albeit florescent) daylight. So, I did what every crazy person would do.
I dumped half the bottle of hot sauce into the remains of a Herr’s pretzel bag
And my lunch then consisted of:
it consisted of pretzels, a bag of stolen hot sauce in an old pretzel bag, and – what the hell – I stole a packet of cream cheese for the fun of it
Next up: trying to thieve the vending machine.
Probably best to avoid me till the caffeine is flowing through my veins
I find this utterly unacceptable. Look at the amount of coffee left in here:
delicious – lukewarm coffee grounds
To which I might respond with something along the lines of this:
I’m looking for you, co-worker who does this ^
Spoiler alert, I didn’t wash the coffee pot first.
Filed under work
It is our mighty banner under which we fly:
This is a universal truth.
I am concerned that once I get laid off I won’t have anything to update about
Dear work NEVER EVER STOP.
I went into my break room the other day to pour some really terrible coffee and found, what I thought to be, a box full of candy. Occasionally a co-worker will take pity on us and leave treats for the rest of us to descend upon like the locusts in the Old Testament.
so excited for what looks like fancy candies
But it couldn’t have been further from the treats in my imagination. Because what was on the table in the break room was almost the exact opposite of posh sweets.
It was adult diapers
I now believe that some sort of social experiment is going on to raise the morale of the workers here and then crush that hope under the heel of adult incontinence
Down Town Abbey (see what I did there?)
While at work I love to illegally stream television.
Downton Abbey is my favorite for a very specific reason (other than the giant hats) :
hilarious juxtapositions
Two things I love: William stumbling over speech and Asian women looking for love
But there was no such grandness that existed before this:
Dame Maggie Smith, how many sperms are swimming?
Filed under celebrities, hilarious, tv, work
You life is not so great 