I like to obsessively follow my own blog, because I am neurotically obsessed with myself.
This entails trying to figure out what draws people in terms of search words to this blog.
John Donne once said, “No man is an island.” And in regards to the over-share update on how I used to try and wank off to Moll Flanders I would like to ponder this question:
WHO IS THIS PERSON?
They might be my soul mate.
Also, how funny are the other search terms?
Filed under celebrities, literature
Got stopped by a person in the subway in order to get another religious pamphlet (a disturbing theme in my life, see: the time I was mistaken for a homeless person) . This time the pamphlet wanted to get right to the issue at hand
I feel like we all know the answer to this
According to the rhetoric inside, I will not be spending eternity in a nice place.
(HELL! It’s hell, in case you couldn’t tell where the pamphlet was going)
Filed under Philadelphia, public transportation, religion
Do you know who always looks great?
Yup. That guy.
Do you know what I also have an affinity for?
Bears (and Bear Ambulances)
What happens when it is the end times at work? The “last days of Rome” days at work? I’ll end up at my office dressed like Where’s Waldo, pulling up that iconic sweater, in front of a statue of bear…that happens to be parked in front of my boss’s office.
Go ahead…fire me. I bear ya!
What the dip is going on? First Davy Jones and now Larry Hagman? I am distraught. Highly highly distraught.
My childhood crushes are now dropping like flies. This could be because most of my childhood crushes were either musicians or actors from the 60s, but I refuse to acknowledge the limitations of: death, aging, and the absence of time travel. Also, yes, for many years – including a two year reoccurrence in my early twenties – I had an extremely significant crush on Larry Hagman as Tony Nelson in I Dream of Jeannie.
Who wouldn’t?
There was something about that stern face and constant disapproval that I found extremely appealing, even at a young age. This might be the genesis of my attraction to emotionally unavailable men, but –damn- if Tony Nelson didn’t look smokin’ when he once again verbally expressed his outrage at Jeannie’s bullshit.
What kind of fucked up nonsense are you going to get me into today?
So it is with a heavy heart that I bid adieu to my childhood dreamboat, Tony Nelson. I will never be able to spend endless hours watching seasons 1 & 2 after a night of whiskey drinking and not think of your scowling hotness with both fondness and regret.
May you dream of Janie. In heaven.
Also, this is a specific Tony Nelson love. I can’t abide by that JR bull.
Thanks for the memories
Filed under celebrities, doodles
I like most things in my life to have a very high production value. But it came as a shock to me to see my chips taking life so seriously, especially considering their humble origin from the 79 cent chip rack at 7-11 (girl’s gotta eat)
Damn son
I can finally throw my vibrator away, these chips are going to be satisfying me from now on.
Well my juncture at my hideous job is coming to a very slow (crawling) end. In response to this I have decided to be as unhelpful as humanly possible.
My work gets back checked (endlessly) for editing mistakes. The back checker will leave helpful little notes on what I did wrong.
I have responded to such a note. With great prejudice.
just in case I was confused about what I did wrong.
Since I am obviously completely incapable of kicking an illness in any sort of normal amount of human time, I have been crumpling under the weight of congestion, nausea, sore throat, and exhaustion for over a week now.
But, since I also refuse to give up the overtime availability at my job I still attended work. I say “attended” because what I did while there (other than watch Mighty Ducks) was stare my computer screen and feel sorry for myself.
However, a very kindly co-worker found a space heater for which I could heat away the chill.
But since I can’t just ethically come into work today with a fever and a disinterest in the health of my co-workers, I eventually took the time off
To spend all of it in my bathtub steaming away rivers of mucus
And after I got out of the bath the next day I noticed something. Something…horrifying.
What the Jesus is that?
Evidently while I was at work trying to heat myself out of a flu and galvanize myself into keeping my eyes open, I had pressed my feet against the space heater until I eventually gave myself superficial second degree burns.
So I did what any person would do. I lanced them with a pin. And by pin…I mean corkscrew.
It was with this exact corkscrew, actually. I am not lying. Thanks corkscrew-nacorn
And now it looks like it’s healing…
Or perhaps my foot is going to fall off
Filed under horrifying, illness
I look more like a consumptive child than usual today.
It’s always bad when my bangs are pulled back
Here is a brief email exchange as to why my eyes are larger than normal and I’m dressed like Small Wonder (nah, I just like dressing like Small Wonder).
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Janie
> Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 12:34 PM
To: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?
Fever – check, swollen tonsils – check, achy – check,
freezing – checkToday I was supposed to get the flu shot – I love the irony. I feel like I am going to cry/die
And hurled the gifting of some French fries by a coworker in the middle of writing this.
Whine
Yes – read correctly, I got the flu on the day I was supposed to get the flu shot.
— On Thu, 11/15/12, Zachary wrote
From: Zachary
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Janie”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:18 PM
I hope you feel better. I’m pretty sure Tundy is a doctor, so confer with him forthwith
To whom is he referencing?
Only paging Dr. Liono – that’s all
From: Janie
Subject: RE: We still on?
To: “Zachary”
Date: Thursday, November 15, 2012, 1:25 PM
Poor shirt storm! I have listened to Joanna Newsom on loop and loop and felt so sorry for myself and melancholy and sick that I went into the bathroom and wept for my own self pity. As it turns out I am the worst sick person in the world, certainly the most over dramatic.
Peach, Plum, Pear is also quite sad.
And truthfully, the National didn’t help either.
But then again I also cried listening to Mighty Ducks III, which I have spelled Mighty Fucks so many times today I lost count.
But on further inspection….
My Adam Banks…how you’ve grown….
Look closely at this
ya lookin’?
What does this look like to you? Does it look like candy? An adorable pumpkin shaped candy? Let’s say you dig your hand into the basket of Halloween candy in the back of your office pull this out, think it’s some sort of candy corn, and proceed to eat it.
When you realize that it’s actually an eraser, and that you are eating an eraser at work, what would you do:
I did one of the above. I will let you decide which.
While riffling through my purse, wildly, in an attempt to find some loose change in order to buy vending machine chips with, I came across this fortune floating among the various detritus
Wow, cookie fortune, you are coming off like a total condescending dick
I guess when you are in agony trying to scrap together the remaining thirty five cents you need to buy some Ruffles, yeah, the only way is up.
Doesn’t mean that that fortune cookie wasn’t an asshole.
You life is not so great 