Do I have any suggestions for the company I work for?
As it turned out I did have a suggestion for them:
Second suggestion, go fuck yourself.
Author Archives: anotherintro
THE BEST DAY OF MY [you] LIFE!
I once updated about my undying love for White Russian. Here . And maybe, just maybe, I also wrote another sorta intense letter that can be found here .
And today I got this in my email:
Thank you Jesus, and Ben, & Jerry
I would like to think that this is solely because of my determination. And emails. And letters. The trip up there to mourn at the graveyard. And threats.
So thanks for taking notice Ben and Jerry, it had been too long.
And in case you thought I was exaggerating, this is a real life exchange:
You’re welcome fellow White Russian fans.
The Great Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef Mystery of 2013
For the last month I’ve been canvassing my work’s freezer in order to steal any frozen meals that might be in there to sustain me during the summer of my unemployment.
As far as I was concerned it was a brilliant plan.
Freezer #1 – normal looking, filled with steal-ables
Freezer #2 – second verse, same as the first (only better, this one has yogurt).
Look at all of that delicious (sort of delicious…free makes everything delicious, so whatever. It’s edible) food.
And then a mysterious wrench was thrown in my plan
Just…why?
Right there? That’s six frozen Stouffer’s Cream Chipped Beef ready meals. Six. Six of them. The day before there was NO food in that freezer. The next day? Six. And of something that traditionally isn’t even a food eaten outside of breakfast. Also, it’s gross looking.
And they’ve remained in there for over a week. They all arrived in one day and not a single one has been consumed.
So now I can’t be sure that my two office nemeses haven’t heard my plan to steal all of the food (I wasn’t exactly speaking in hushed whispers about my malfeasants) and brought in all of this chipped beef in which to poison me.
I’m still going to steal it though.
UPDATE Three of the creamed chipped beefs are now gone! (May 20, 2013 10:23 EST)
My loving marriage
It’s really easy to let things slip your attention when you live in a glorified shanty town of an apartment, resplendent with kitties.
So it was awesomely kind of Facebook to remind me of this:
How could I have been so neglectful toward my “hubby.”
I can’t imagine what I am searching online that continuously leads Facebook to believe that I am married with a husband I love, and not a cat-obsessed spinster that spent last night drinking cheap beer and reading comics.
Unless they were, of course, referring to this husband:
Since I can’t get a husband, I’ll just get some cats. My relationship with them is similar to a legally binding contract that tells my friends, family, and whatever God that one chooses to believe in that we will love and cherish one another until the other dies. Except with my cat husband he agrees to love and cherish me until I die in my sleep and he eats my face for survival.
Oh felicitous day!
Have you ever opened a tin of leftovers only to find the tables’ worth of cutlery inside because the previous week during a “cleaning spree” you had thrown away all of your previously owned knives and forks (let’s be fair I only owned one of both, but still it was trying to eat pasta without them)?
Tofu burrito, fries, and cutlery. Huzzah!
Thank you, Mad Mex, I don’t have to eat pasta with my hands this week.
The conversation that created a lifetime of laughter (for me)
There are times I get down about the calamities I’ve created, which I’ll sometimes refer to as “life.” And since the world revolves around me and my happiness, I’ve had to find satisfying ways to bring joy back in my life during the times when things get dark (like when I had to spend a shocking twenty minutes today looking for my shoe’s mate).
I’ve documented a previous way here
And barring that this’ll bring a great big smile to my face:
Ah, pizza pictures. They prep me for my return to home and pizza consumption
Then there is watching Katherine Heigl’s charming shenanigans on loop like 27 Dresses carries the secrets to the mysteries of the Bible.
but doesn’t it though?
But sometimes, no matter how many slices of pizza you look at or how many Katherine Heigl rom-coms you watch (I also suggest the one with Gerard Butler where he’s a dick but she falls for him anyway cause underneath he’s just a big softie. That one is great too), the sun refuses to shine on you.
When I get that blue I like to conjure up a conversation that one day I was lucky enough to overhear. While indulging in my pretention at the local coffee shop, a pair of new-agey hippies sat next to me in the middle of a huge problem. Catastrophic.
The deal was that one of them had a date that night with a fellow she really liked and wanted to have sex with BUT she was on her period (DA DUM DUM!). And following this confession, the greatest advice I ever fucking heard was dispensed:
“I would really like to sleep with him but I’m on my period right now” – wept one hippie
“I heard from a friend that if you sit naked in the desert for an hour or so it’ll make your period go away.”
IF YOU SIT NAKED IN THE DESERT…YOUR PERIOD WILL GO AWAY.
This is unquestionably the best thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t even imagine what the other woman did with that information. Drive around the suburbs of Philadelphia looking for a patch of dirt to sit naked in for several hours until menstruation ceased?
side note: it looks like she’s mediating on, like, Tatooine
Thank you for the eternal laughter, ladies. Happy menstruating!
Filed under celebrities, doodles, hilarious, horrifying, movies, Philadelphia
Anything that’s not nailed to the ground
From my very limited understanding of history, the last days of Rome were a rough place to be: hedonism, theft, moral malaise. And while I gathered these opinions about the civilization’s decline following a less than five minute Google search, I can confidently say that my declining juncture at my job is probably similar.
Or maybe not. But I am stealing everything that isn’t nailed to the ground. The most eccentric theft to date pertains to my aggressive love of hot sauce.
Some nice person left out a communal hot sauce for the lunch room, and while I appreciate the spirit of generosity I more greatly appreciate free condiments. However, I couldn’t just take the bottle of hot sauce in broad (albeit florescent) daylight. So, I did what every crazy person would do.
I dumped half the bottle of hot sauce into the remains of a Herr’s pretzel bag
And my lunch then consisted of:
it consisted of pretzels, a bag of stolen hot sauce in an old pretzel bag, and – what the hell – I stole a packet of cream cheese for the fun of it
Next up: trying to thieve the vending machine.
Probably best to avoid me till the caffeine is flowing through my veins
I find this utterly unacceptable. Look at the amount of coffee left in here:
delicious – lukewarm coffee grounds
To which I might respond with something along the lines of this:
I’m looking for you, co-worker who does this ^
Spoiler alert, I didn’t wash the coffee pot first.
Filed under work
It is our mighty banner under which we fly:
This is a universal truth.
A You Life anniversary…retrospect
It’s high time for an anniversary edition of You Life, but since this just occurred to me and I missed the date by four months I guess this is just a retrospect.
You Life started with an instructional guide on how to devastate some PBRs and then paint a kitchen table. Memories
And to celebrate that momentous occasion in the old apartment I’ve unearthed some gems
That is an omnipresent specter presiding over the battle of zombies vs unicorns
The glory that was the kitchen – with the masterpiece center stage
A better view of the unicorn side, before the 6th grade notebook tagging joined the battle
Clear view of the zombie side. That zombie has a bloody unicorn tail in his palm
But I feel strongly that the unicorns prevailed
Happy anniversary, You Life!
You life is not so great 